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Author: Linkins_knot
ASL Info:    14/Male/Behind a Computer
Elite Ratio:    2.12 - 20 /46 /19
Words: 115
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1071
Average Vote:    3.0000
Bytes: 697


I was bored...


This blood, one knife
Continue on, I can destroy my life
Too many people hate
They see nothing to appreciate
They say good and bad words
Out of their mouths like released birds
They might miss
Some might be filled with bliss
But who cares what they think
I can cut and have my last blink
The ones that I loved, love me crying
My life gone, they tend to start dying
Some might do what I did to be with me
Our souls departed from our bodies, them free
This blood, one knife
Continue with life, maybe even have a wife?
Or just die
Then let the lord decide where I to lie…

Submitted on 2006-05-01 09:59:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Poetry isn’t really just about raw, unfiltered expression of one’s feelings. It’s art. And just as there are many things that make great paintings stand out from the rest, there are things that make good poetry stand out. Nobody expects you to start off writing “great poetry,” but it’s good to start thinking about the things that “art” versus “a journal entry.”

Sure there’s a lot of cliché in here—when we first learn to write we reach for the image closest to hand, the first phrase that bursts into the mind. The trick is to try to reach a little beyond that next time.

For instance, in your poem here, the most resonant image is contained in the line, “out of their mouths like released birds.” Why do you think THAT is the salient image in your poem? It’s the most specific image, certainly. It forms a metaphor (words flying out of the mouth, not just like a bird, but like a bird recently trapped/caged, and now freed). Instead of depending on abstractions (words like “good” and “bad” and “bliss”), you used a concrete image to explain yourself.

To talk about the choices we make between life and death—and, sometimes, the ambivalence we feel about those choices—is a serious topic to tackle in a poem. It’s not going to be enough to just say “continue with life…or just die.” Look at how Pablo Neruda describes death in his poem, “Nothing but Death:”

” Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral. “

He takes an abstract concept, “death,” and gives it very concrete descriptives, he gives it dimension and weight.
| Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by Ceiriosen | [ Reply to This ]
  Poetry comes in many different forms. You can put a lot of structure to it or just just freely write what you want and feel with no real order.
It's a good idea to take in feedback and suggestions for this has improved my poetry quite a bit. But honestly it's your poem. Don't pay any attention to "clich'e" or "trite and poorly written." That doesn't really help you at all. F**k others who try to tell you what you HAVE to do to write a good poem. It's your poetry.
| Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by nomad knight | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it,seems like it came off the top of your head and tells us how you feel on the certain day
| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by JUSWHOiAM | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this was rather cliché. It had a decent rhyme to it, but it didn't really flow that well. There are some words that you can take out to make the lines a bit shorter as well. When writing a rhyming poem, you usually should make the lines 'round the same length for a better flow. And when referring to God, you should capitalize. You're speaking of a person.
| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by Seperia | [ Reply to This ]
  Holy [censored] this is really good... dont change anything it seriously rocks the way you have it so just keep it up kay
| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
  really brush up on your imagery, this whole poem was trite and poorly written it didn't flow well, it had poor imagery, and the rhyme felt so forced, you should just scrap this whole peice and start over, really, read something by a classic poet if you want to know how to write depressed poetry, they might teach you how to write eloquently about your "plight"
| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]
  THis is really good, its much like my poetry and the symbolism is astounding'

| Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by Deadly whisper | [ Reply to This ]

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