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Author: nightroof
ASL Info:    22/male/cal
Elite Ratio:    6.83 - 5 /4 /6
Words: 188
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 675
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1232


finding my place



I agree,
but not today.
flight 79 landed in outer space,
pushing for the
flight crews palpatations.

unexpected crashes do not
mind commercial breaks as
long as they leave you
wanting more. what is
this death brought to us by?
xeric is my word now.
it is this pumpkin planet.

subtle explosions don't exist here anymore.
they wore out just like my
practice for sudden screaming.

"flight 79 to earth,
one sun at a time"

newspapers are the
most dangerous lies.
here is where I begin.

rage is pushing for a better lyric. here
the ground picks the
trees for us.
my life has no atmosphere just running circles:

what will make a blur a way out?
what will make awake a plank?
what will turn to smiles on our face?
why can I gasp and whisper english?

tomorrow, be happy to see us.

suns fall in the distance.
I will see if the moon carries this life in my size.
I do not agree with this.

Submitted on 2006-05-01 10:33:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  OK, we seem to have some random but out of order writing here.
I see a little misdirection and it seems to be on purpose. I like that.
The problem is that it is hard to follow.
If you want people to comment on your writes you have to draw them in.
They have to want to read your poem and you have to grab their attention from the get go.

I almost get a feeling of being on mars and it sort of reminds me of a couple of movies that I have seen before.

Again I see chaos here. The write is all over the place.

It is as if you are taking lines from a movie and trying to tie them together. Sort of like doing one liners.

You seem to bring your title subject in to the write at the middle of the write. This this does not high light the title it only serves to alienate the reader more. Try highlighting your subject in the beginning and build on it.

I can see some of what you are trying to say but I might be wrong. I think there is a message here if the reader can desipher it. You are trying to say that if we keep on going the way we are going and destroying the plant life on our planet, our planet will end up like Mars with no O2 in the air. Maybe we will end up having to create a civilization in outerspace so as to carry on the human race. Just my take.

I am not going to rearrange any of your stanzas or lines because they are to random.

I still think you have potential here and just need to focus on structure more.

I could be way off the mark here and maybe this is a new one to me.

Well I ramble to much

Keep it up

Respect and Admiration

| Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

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