I rather liked the sexual undertone of this poem. It's an easy subject but it works well the way you've written it. IT seems so simple... but I liked the way you captured the essence.
The flow worked well also... I liked yer simplistic rhyming scheme. The imagery was pretty good too.
'Again you follow the procedure, And for a moment we are one, You share me yours and suck out mine, Then part when you are done.'
Seemed to be my favorite stanza although I do believe if working with a better vocab you could make this seem more elegant and appealing. Not to say that it's not appealing... just it could be worked with a little more!
Again you follow the procedure, And for a moment we are one, You share me yours and suck out mine, Then part when you are done.
Could be O_O
Anew, you follow similar fashion And for a moment we are elegantly one, You bestow me with yours, devour mine; Parting when you are done.
That flows a little better... enhances the delicacy of the subject and still says exactly what you wanted it to! ^_^
Sorry... don't be offended by that O_O I was merely trying to give you some advice. Anyway... thanks for sharing your work with me, take care!
Janneke, I simply loved this piece from start to finish.. The imagry you used, exquisite.. the wording and flow, perfection. You have real talent. In all honesty, I cannot find a single line or word out of place, nor do I see any grammatical errors.
"Come to me, my blood is waiting Calls out for you, every night I know you won't resist my nectar Now come out I won't hide."
-Bloodlust.. So many creatures experience it.. whether it by a human.. or else..
"Again you follow the procedure, And for a moment we are one, You share me yours and suck out mine, Then part when you are done."
My favorite stanza, reminds me very much of my 'Vampiric' Affliction..
I must say though, I am disheartened by the content of the previous remarks.. seems your work was taken the wrong way, please allow me to set the record straight now.. This is not something dark.. nor is it something sinister.. it is nature.. The vile beast that plagues her is.. A Mosquito..
I agree with Maggie this was a very spooky write but I like it beacuse its a unique piece. I'm so glad your enjoying Greece thats so good to hear and its even better that it inspied you to write a new piece. You did a very wonderful job with the rhyme and the setting. You also did a fine job with the choice of words and the descriptions.
Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing and I really do hope you continue to enjoy your stay in Greece.
Ooooh, spooky. lol. I liked this. It had a undertone of sexual tension and want. I liked the wording. I do think the last line in each stanza did not sound right, as far as rhyme goes and how you used certain words in a sentence. I also felt you could add more detail as to why you want him to come for your blood. Give images of how your blood flows from you to his lips ( is he a vampire?). So add more imagery. Improve your ending for each stanza. And you have yourself a very good poem. And yes, it is good now. Good work. Now what exactly in Greece inspired you to pen this? lol.
I though the rhyme felt forced in this one. I liked the subtle undertones of sexualality ut also you discription of vamparism being symbiotic typically it is considered parasitic so this is an intresting twist. you share me your and suck out mine is written a bit akwardly perhaps rearanging the order woulkd make it more clear. I also felt this piece was lacking in imagery. You typically write very striat to the point but embelishing a little would greatly improve your work especially because you utiulize you emotions so well in you writing. okay that's a;;. peace
I was told that my first comment was incorrect and that I was off about what this poem was about but in actually I made no suggestion to what this was and I have now seen the error of my ways or rather was shown the errors of my ways.
Well then let me get right at it. What I really enjoyed most about this piece was the neat little rhyme that you used and the setting of the scene, I most commend your effort on the creation of the atmosphere. I really enjoyed those aspects of the write.
Now on to the poem itself. I felt this about something vampiric or sinister or just down right evil but it was something that you said to me that made me adandon that idea.
I then went furthur to read Eric's comment like you suggested and I must say I quite surprised what this is actually about you did a damn good job writing. I had no idea it was about a mosquito. I adding this to my fav's list because of its creativeness and uniqueness.
Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing. I really do hope you enjoy your stay in Greece again and that you stay there is a safe one.