Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Dark Side of Affectiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 210
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 907
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1162



    Description:
       Its untitled for now but yall can help me name it so yeah thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Dark Side of Affectiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Feel like saying some four letter words but I will restrain,
    Not even two weeks to rest will heal this mental strain,
    I do not know why it hurts so much but love is pain,
    and I do not know how it works but pain is gain,
    don't know what to think love sure is a sick game,
    and like a lion from the wild the heart is hard to tame,
    Its like getting hit by a moving train,
    being locked outside while it pours and rains.

    It shatters you and only leaves your shadow of self,
    It overtakes you and makes you think it happened again,
    Question who you can trust; question who really are your friends,
    open yourself and find out that to them it's a game,
    It leaves you broken and you won't even look at your face,
    and then you find out you are not the one; you are the middle step.

    So today I walk down the street,
    wondering why is it always the same,
    It just hurts so much and then again no one you can blame,
    tried to dodge it but it still burns like a flame,
    and in your sanctuary left another stain.




    Submitted on 2006-05-01 17:50:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree you need to tighten up the rhyming pattern in this...it threw me off a bit that the first stanza completely rhymed, then you kinda switched it up the rest of the way through.

    i think that everyone feels this way about love sometimes...when you give your heart to someone, it's easier to get hurt...even if the person loves you back and doesnt mean to hurt you, its impossible to never hurt someone in some way...

    and then you find out you are not the one; you are the middle step

    i love this line....the middle step. i dont recall ever seeing it being said like this before...very clever.

    anyway, other than the rhyming thing, i dont know what else to suggest
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece was alright. I don't necessarily agree with the meaning, it took a very negative view on love and relationships, but then again many relationships are negative. And more importantly, a poet should always write what s/he feels. It was certainly an honest piece, which is what I enjoyed about it. One suggestion, if i may; decide wether this is a rhyming piece or not, and stick with the decision. It starts out where, in the first stanza, every line rhymes. Then the second stanza comes, and the rhyme is lost. In the third stanza it returns, all except for the first line. I personally don't mind loose rhyme, but if there is a rhyme scheme in part, it should flow throughout. I prefer non rhyming works, myself, but do both. Anyway, as I stated in the beginning, this was not a bad piece, but I think it will work much better once you decide what pattern you want to follow with it.
    | Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    101364

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry