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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Lot of Animositydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 407
    Class/Type: Prose/
    Total Views: 1670
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 2478



    Description:
       I haven't posted anything in a little while, this is my latest work. Please read it and review and I'll be sure to repay the favour!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Lot of Animositydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm not much of a man;
    and as a lot of land my value would be little at best.
    I'd be far off from the caring cities;
    a petty, worthless piece of property
    owned by ever-present contempt and ferocity.
    I'd be fenced off by a hideous, decrepid wooden symbol
    of harder times long since past.
    Not even the blackest of birds
    would dare to stand and call
    into my desolate meadow of amarathine malevolence.

    All around there'd be forests which encourage
    their mindless inhabitants to lead artificially crucial lives;
    in an effort to draw more from the receding vines
    of interdependance which only empower the wealthy
    with larger roots tapped in sin.
    The statuesque trees standing seemingly graceful
    with nature teeming within believe themselves to be
    so superior until winter comes endless, killing spring
    to reveal nature's truth.
    That false habitat of conformity is home to everything
    I was tricked to crave and born to despise.

    And for all the green I'd be yellow.
    Unkempt deviant grass, dry and rigid;
    ready to snap from the lightest touch of cruelty
    or become an endless inferno from the tiniest spark of ignorance.
    My ground would be disgusting, littered with lies and violence
    covered by the thickest layer of inpenetrable clay packed with regret
    as to hide the lost memories and shame buried deep beneath.
    You can scratch away some of the filthy topsoil
    but it would be too impure to view anything.

    To walk upon me, you'd know I was not level,
    the earth varying with each step.
    Inside me, discover the sight of dead branches on sickly plants
    combined with a revolting silence intermittantly disturbed
    by the crushing and breaking of my heart's dying foilage.
    For years I was untouched, left in decay and rot,
    yet flies strayed from me still.
    The sun laughed in the sky as it passed over me,
    casting down rays of hope that only scorched and robbed my earth
    of what little precious moisture was stored.
    But through luck you were lost
    and found your innocence treading on my terra firma demonica.
    You fell in love with harsh scenery
    and with one kiss bought the land forever.




    Submitted on 2006-05-02 01:12:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I can honestly say that this is the first time I've ever heard of land being used in comparison to someone. Originality, for the win.

    If your description had been boring and plain, I would not have enjoyed the many lines you use to fix the idea in the reader. The only real suggestion I have for this description is to use more concrete nouns (and verbs too, though you tend to mostly use "is", and it's pretty impossible to improve on that if you wish to keep the structure intact), and get rid of some of the adjectives. I tend to get bored easily, and I didn't get bored through this piece, but a lot of adjectives and adverbs can still do this. If you cut down on them a little bit and find other ways to get at what you're trying to say, you would make a tighter piece.

    The transition was quite good and nonobtrusive. Many would end a piece like this with butterflies and springtime, or more dark description. Instead, you include a single line that implies happiness and joy, but does not describe it. I can't think of a better ending.

    My absolute favorite line in this piece was this: "And for all the green I'd be yellow." Eight short words that have a large amount of depth in them. Why did you not select the opposite color of green? Why did you select a color that had a hand in creating green, but is still well-removed from it? What does this add to the piece? A lot of questions can be derived from this simple line, and it was probably the key part of this work.

    Excellent piece, and an instant-fav. I'll have to keep an eye on the rest of your gallery, for sure.

    -Chris
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked it a lot joe, i definitely understand how just the love of one person can make all the difference in an otherwise crappy life. Great ending.

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by thezeroman88 | [ Reply to This ]
      Joe,

    You did really good on this one. You're writings have gotten a lot more insightful from when you first started and I'm proud of you. At first it seemed: This piece really went indepth into how society demands for you to conform and I think it shows that you will never shift into what they deem acceptable.That is a personal insight, though, pretty sure not what you intended. It also, to me, showed how a community while perfect in nature and sight underneath is nothing but tangled roots of lies and sin. But Finally I realised: The ending was quite a twist. It really brought the piece together and I finally understood what you were trying to show. You were explaining the chaos that was your life and everything that surrounded you. The death and decay you seemed to portray as your heart, soul, and mind eventually captured and bought away by love. I love it, really I do. Like I said, I'm very proud. This is going on my favorites list. Grow in knowledge, my friend, your limits are unending.

    -Red
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by LongPastDead | [ Reply to This ]
      This is Great, my only comment it that it is somewhat difficult to read (mostly due to the font and that cant be helped) may i suggest that you try to give it some form of structure. over all though it is guite magnificent very well done
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Nessus | [ Reply to This ]
      This My Friend is one heck of a write
    I may be wrong here but I believe you were righting about your life and how you were always strong enough not to let the man made negativity in but lately it has started seeping in more then ever and you are finding it harder to fight its forces
    Remain Positive my Friend
    Do not let negativity bring you down
    I know thru talking to you that you are much too strong of a person for that
    Remain Positive my Friend
    There is Light at the end of the forest
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I think Geherald is jealous.

    The love story ending was beautiful! Aww, I wanna cry! I love this poem so much! This is my favorite line in the whole thing:

    "The statuesque trees standing seemingly graceful with nature teeming within believe themselves to be so superior until winter comes endless killing spring to reveal nature's truth."

    God, I think I love you. Sike, I'm only joking.
    I love your mind...
    Really.
    Be careful... I just might fall for you yet...

    ---
    Carry
    ---
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by herownadversary | [ Reply to This ]
      It has a very good principle and is very well written the words are good the imagery is vivid the idea is solid but I think it would be more powerful if the flow was made more apparent.
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by chained_under | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting to say the least... i'd live on the plot of land... but i dont quite get the "love story" ending... yeah so its really a huge metaphor for yourself and someone loves you... but i dont know if that comes through clear enough without it being said outright... or maybe i am just too tired right now to see it all clearly...

    overall, i really like it... its got great imagery and vivid detail - both important for this to work...

    so bravo, nicely done

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      It was dark but undeniably attractive. It caught me and I felt I could see the "land" you wrote about. I was there and it was amazing. I'm not sure of what else say, your work is good and it deserves the compliments.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by Yoki | [ Reply to This ]
      Im not so good at poetry, but in my opinion, you sure say a lot. and thats in a good way. I think you are really writing what you feel, and I can understand that. I think you should keep up the good work, and keep coming up with ones that are descriptive as this. (/)adScythe24
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Kael Fenshir | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't understand any of it..considering I look for the non-deep literal meanings of things. I like it anyways.

    Quit linking this stuff to me in chat,
    Spartan.
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Spartan 236 | [ Reply to This ]
      "I'd be fenced off by a hideous, decrepid wooden symbol of harder times long since past." I loved this line...it just paints a wonderful picture.

    This line doesn't read well, I think it's becasue of the word endless. I think it should be endlessly, it would read better, and with a comma after killing.

    "The statuesque trees standing seemingly graceful with nature teeming within believe themselves to be so superior until winter comes endless killing spring to reveal nature's truth."

    Okay, honestly at first I thought this was a political social piece. This line really made me think of society

    "All around there'd be forests which encourage their mindless inhabitants to lead artificially crucial lives; in an effort to draw more from the receding vines of interdependance which only empower the wealthy with larger roots tapped in sin."

    Then when I got to the end, I noticed it was about the love of one person being able to save and find the goodness in something seemingly hopeless.

    This was a twisted piece:) Really excellent job,


    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the poem...it is really good.

    My favorite lines were "All around there'd be forests which encourage their mindless inhabitants to lead artificially crucial lives; in an effort to draw more from the receding vines of interdependance which only empower the wealthy with larger roots tapped in sin"

    Good job!

    Love,
    XxStephxX <333
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Eternal Orgasm | [ Reply to This ]
      What can I say, I thought it was good. Everything caught my attention, it sort of had that little obscurity and, like, the last line of love. Great metaphors, some parts were a little unclear but then I got it as I kept reading. I really liked it.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by Foreseer | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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