Description: This is a heavy revision of my God of Fear, so it may sound a lot like it, so comment. I also somehow managed to put in my screen name thing into my poem, so i feel very special, lol. oh and dont just compliment, tell me wat i can improve so that i can get better
*Stands up and applauds* This was very good. I swear you are quite masterful with the use of imagery. I loved the wording and could agree with most of what you were saying about Religion. I think this was a bold and brilliant write. I have a poem titled "Taste Just Like Sugar" that is about religion, I suggest you give it a look when you can. Overall, another good job.
Bravo! THIs was another great write! I loved this also, therefore i will make this too a fav. I loved the flow and rhyme adn the imagination of it! Keep it up!
If this is about all religions in general I would think the first stanza rather specific, if it preaches suicide although the first stanza could be interpreted as soul suicide. You're not living the life you would naturally have been inclined to live, cut-off from your true self, following instead rules that have been drilled into your head through persistent brainwashing.
The first stanza is very different from the others generally: different I think I just like the write alot better without the frist stanza, then it makes perfect sense to me, has a consistent rhythmn, just goes better together period.
Third stanza:
- first line: I would take out the "with" and get rid of the slash between "death" and "obsession".
-4th line: "bloodshead" - bloodshed.
Religion sucks- I agree. Blatant disregard for humanity. Fighting for a cause they don't truly know. Interpreting mysteries they can not begin to fathom. Using it as a means to perpetrate bigotry and hate. Making people feel weak so they can be controlled. Let's dwell on our mortality. How to erase too many twisted memories. Drugs. No that doesn't work....I'm stoned.
Soul Seduction- I love that title! Filth redemption- my favorite line.
Well I have been sitting here reading this damn poem of yours, trying to pick it apart. Mostly for sonic defects, Well I suppose whether or not a particular sound is a defect is a matter of personal taste. For the most part I rather like the sounds generated by this poem.
Any way as I was reading this one I got to thinking about genocide the first few times I read through it I was so caught up in the glory of the sound I did not really think about the meaning of genocide (it is a cool sounding word) well when I did think about it, I started to wonder how you could be a slave of it. You could be a victim of it (I like victim too it’s a cool word) of course you would be dead but hey that’s what genocide is killing off the entire ethnic group. Anyway I wondered if they were all dead, how could they be slaves? So I says to myself well they could be zombies (I like zombies) So I don’t know but I would go with either changing slaves to victims or zombies, you could I guess say deranged zombie slaves of genocide, but that’s making the line kind of long. something to think about.
then next I was thinking about serves scripture lies, well two things really I do believe grammatically it should be scripture’s since the lies seem to belong to scripture now the treat is I think it also sounds better that way.
Damn now that I am reading it I am starting to wonder if I am not just full of [censored], Oh well I do think It is grammatically correct this way. unless of course I have succumbed to mental dysfunction myself, I can’t really find much else to comment on unless maybe a hyphen is required for faith-deception, So you can mull over my suggestions (or not) and see what you think, Personally I think this is pretty kick ass. In a totally mental way, but I gots to go there’s lots more mayhem out there to see and I don’t want to miss it. Dale.
This first stanza I really liked, although it was broken up weirdly. If you intended it to be that way that's fine it just, takes away from the flow of the piece. But after that the structure is fine. You wrote this witha rhyme scheme I often use, and I enjoy very much. Some could say the rhyme is off, but nuuuuu not at all. I read poetry and write it in syllable, stressing some lightening others, so when reading your work here I get the flow perfectly. It reminds me very much of something I would write. I also liked the religious overtone to the whole piece, it's well done. Great imagery and use of words.. aside from a few spelling mistakes, this has to be one of the better poems I've had a chance to read on this site. Keep up the great work and I look forward to readingand reviewing some of your other work.
And I ask that you do the same for me! I'm sure you'll enjoy my work a lot, since I noticed a lot of similarities in writing we share. Anyhow, if you get a chance, please read and review my work if you want, take care!
Wow, definatly a good revision, it had a sense of your old one but was better....hehe u used ur screen name, and toxic AND death! lol anyway, I find myself agreeing alot with many of your views and this one was extremely relatable....hmmm you're wanting some complaints too, well I don't like how you used "anti-love" lol it seemed clichéd...I dunno I was looking for something to not compliment, this really was a wicked write! Toxic stole all my ideas d.amn her:( lol the title thing was something I was gonna point out becuz it could have been about alot of things. You do have your own distinct style and it really adds to a write of any subject from you becuz you have your own little twist to it even if just with the wording. loved it hun! keep writing, ~death
Wow, definatly a good revision, it had a sense of your old one but was better....hehe u used ur screen name, and toxic AND death! lol anyway, I find myself agreeing alot with many of your views and this one was extremely relatable....hmmm you're wanting some complaints too, well I don't like how you used "anti-love" lol it seemed clichéd...I dunno I was looking for something to not compliment, this really was a wicked write! Toxic stole all my ideas d.amn her:( lol the title thing was something I was gonna point out becuz it could have been about alot of things. You do have your own distinct style and it really adds to a write of any subject from you becuz you have your own little twist to it even if just with the wording. loved it hun! keep writing, ~death
I think this is your best one yet! Hey, you used the word "toxic" hehe, my favorite word. You also used your username, lol. Anyway, enough with my little weird pointing-outings, more about your poem. This was so awesome, and I'm not being biased, because I can agree with your view on religion. I didn't quite know what your poem would be about when I saw the title, so that ion itself made me interested to read it, so the title's great. Then as you read along the lines of your poem, you realize that soul seduction is what you call religion. And that really made me like it. Again, great vocabulary use, that's what I love so much about your poems, other than their subjects, is their vocabulary because it makes them so much more complex and intricate so that people have to think about them. It's like you read the dictionary like I do, lol. I think a lot of people have this opinion, but I don't think they could put it into these words. So the wording of the poem is definiety original because I don't think I've ever read a poem describing this subject like this. Nothing distracted from this poem at all...it was really good.
I think "dysfunction" is "disfunction" i may be wrong, or maybe you meant it to be like that? lemme take another look.... you should put "faith - disease" instead of "faith: disease" unless you meant that too.
heh, i hope this might help a little bit, i didnt want to feel like i didnt respect what you asked for in your description so i tried my hardest to find something lol.... oh yeah my first post is down there.. well i cant find a down aarow but its down there lol.
i love this poem. I am trying to think of something to say as critique but your work is so lovely that i cant really do it lol. God of Fear and this.... I see them as different. This one is awesome and so is that one. + Faves! Sry I wish i could critique on this and give you something to make it better but I am so very much in love with it as it is, I am soo sorry.
I agree with alot of that, and it wa sveyr well written and suprisingly enough i acually like the rhyming..(im usually not a rhyming person)..very well written..awesome job, so going on my favorites..
Submission Name: Soul Seduction
! lol anyway, I find myself agreeing alot with many of your views and this one was extremely relatable....hmmm you're wanting some complaints too, well I don't like how you used "anti-love" lol it seemed clichéd...I dunno I was looking for something to not compliment, this really was a wicked write! Toxic stole all my ideas d.amn her:( lol the title thing was something I was gonna point out becuz it could have been about alot of things. You do have your own distinct style and it really adds to a write of any subject from you becuz you have your own little twist to it even if just with the wording. loved it hun! keep writing,
