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    dots Submission Name: Inside Outdots

    Author: Rask
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 56/34/14
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 945
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1634

       A poem I had a lot of trouble naming, along with all my other new ones. Not much to say, except expresses relics of supressed feelings.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInside Outdots

    Inside Out

    With introverted anger
    Unleashed onto myself,
    I can't help but pity.
    It seems so long since I've seen you--
    Distanced and witty

    With eyes turned backward,
    To save you the scars
    I'd put my hands over your eyes,
    But I'm afraid I haven't heard

    Your fake apologies

    Have locked me behind bars--
    I killed him for you,
    But where's the truth?
    Is it even in there?
    Why don't you visit me anymore?
    This cold cell is killing me
    And you're next.

    Once my mind lets me be;
    Once the ice freezes me inside out
    You'll finally know what it's like to be in doubt
    (And most certainly without...)

    I am for you
    As you've bound me with your chains,
    But maybe once I'm gone my mouth will spew...
    And on this dark concrete I'll no longer pain

    I can't help but think of these times
    The future may bring
    It's all so vivid,
    Yet tiring
    To know you'll always be one step ahead--

    But the cliff isn't so near

    Maybe if we run
    With fingers woven,
    My eyes turned inward from fear;
    You'll be driven
    to love
    A past which cannot be cleared

    I'll forgive,
    You'll take hold
    And once again infront of me
    You'll be bold
    (And take your life)
    In hopes I'm right behind.

    Submitted on 2006-05-02 22:30:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    you are angry arent you well atleast while writting this poem

    it is good one
    | Posted on 2007-05-07 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. Its strong and clear. There are a few hazy spots but that is only because I am not in your head and I dont see it as clearly as you. And I've already expressed my stressed-ness.

    I liked the images you triggered in my mind. the very CLEAR images. With strong bold emotions. I also enjoyed that you arent very wishy-washy in this poem. Theres not a "I love you but I hate you but I love you ... but I hate you..etc" in this poem, its very distinct about the feelings and hopes and wonderings.

    Thanks so much for sharing,hon.

    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, a very powerful piece indeed, with some amazing imagery and excellent vocabulary, or "expensive" words as I sometimes call them. The use of different stanza format and the occasional rhyme spiced up the piece a lot. I found a lot of feeling and pain in this piece, but also a sense of anger and regret.

    I must say one of my favorite parts was
    Once my mind lets me be;
    Once the ice freezes me inside out
    You'll finally know what it's like to be in doubt
    (And most certainly without...)

    I really enjoyed how it rhymed and just found it to flow really nicely.

    Good work
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a spectacular write! Needless to say I enjoyed reading this very very much!! Your descriptions, as always, are so eloquent. I loved and related to the overall idea, eventhough it's a quite sad. But that's a good thing, the emotion is really sharp and it made me feel remorse/empathy for the person narrating. I mean, it appeared to me that he/she had been mistreated and dragged down by the person he/she is talking about. I almost felt like, that other person was undeserving of such love.

    Each stanza has, in it's own way, an individual charm but it all comes together nicely. I really, really love the first stanza, and the last two as well, they're amazing. The end is so awesome I can't even convey it to you with words. Just, it holds so many things I like about poetry and imagery, but overall I love how romantically depressing it is. But the whole poem, to be honest is quite good, even moreso now that I've read it at least 10 times. There are many great lines that I liked, but they make some of the other lines seem weaker.

    I had many favourite parts but here's the one I'll quote to save me from pasting a bunch of lines and the entire last two stanzas:
    "With introverted anger unleashed onto myself" is a magnificent one, I really like it! It speaks to me in a lot of ways, from different perceptions. Like, in my own, I totally pin down the feeling/emotion behind those words. And to look at it as watching someone else go through that experience, it makes me pity them and help them. It's just, a very human line, that everyone has in their mind but never written.

    I also liked the [subtle] tie in with the lines: "With eyes turned backward to save you the scars" and "My eyes turned inward from fear" They complimented eachother nicely, even if unintentional.

    There are some suggestions I have though, on some things I've noticed;

    "With introverted anger unleashed onto myself" - "onto" seems a bit odd, maybe "upon" would fit instead? Or maybe it's fine and I've just read it over so much it's starting to seems strange to me.

    Sometimes using synonyms for plainer words like "fake, kill, cold, freezes, dark" and emotions "anger, fear" enhances the piece a lot, generally I'm talking. (Although the way you use them in this poem work well) I'm not saying don't ever use these words, or always replace them with something else, but it can make some of the lines a lot more powerful than they already are. (And even if you don't know a good synonym for a certain word, you can always when writing use the plain word and then go back and change it with the help of a thesaurus to a much more impressive word)

    Anyways, sorry for such a long comment, but I owe you this and much more :D:D Plus I enjoyed writing it and wanted to do it for you. Thanks for sharing and can't wait to see your next poem!! I love you so much! <3<3<3
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting. It was a little sketchy at the beginning but at the end it was really good. There are some parts where in between the lines you could add some more to make them come together.
    But maybe once I'm gone my mouth will spew...
    And on this dark concrete I'll no longer pain
    There could be more between those two because there seems to be part of the story missing. Just some tips.
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]

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