Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Hanging on to Your Every [False] Word


Author: Rask
ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
Elite Ratio:    8 - 56 /34 /14
Words: 261
Class/Type: Misc /Broken
Total Views: 1550
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1792



Description:


The title sort of reminds me of an atreyu song name. Again, I had to think harder about the title than about the poem itself and even then, it's still not so great. Mediocre, if that. The poem itself, again, is about supressed feelings in a way. Personal experiences, to an extent, or maybe more over expresses inward fears.


Hanging on to Your Every [False] Word



Hanging on to Your Every [False] Word

A frail young mind,
You've altered and molded
Leaving my suggestions behind.
Your overwhelming power
Can't be turned down;
I love your control over me,
Even if you're the one making me drown.

Through all the shame and deceit
I can't help but still hold your hand
Continuously driving me inward,
In fear I'll take a stand;
Even then, that wouldn't be enough
Maybe I could break down the walls,
But the bricks are too tough

If I tried,
My fingers would be bloodied and broken;
If I were to hold your hand,
Our fingers wouldn't be woven

Together

We stand our opposites reflect,
But fit perfectly
Just like a train wreck.

A crooked smile you bare,
The one I'll never forget
Even if you beat me a thousand times,
My life with you, I'd never regret.

Ten years into our future,
I'm heaving my last breath
I can't believe it's going to end so soon
Forever hasnt come yet

Or maybe it has;
Forever in your eyes
May be already ten years past

Your hand raises once more,
I see the twinkle your fingers are wrapped around
I smile a bloody smile for our time before;
I knew it'd end this way
But who can say for sure

All I'm certain is
Once that knife drives into my flesh
(Twenty three times and counting)
I'll still love you
You've always given me your best;
And I believe you because you said it.




Submitted on 2006-05-02 23:05:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Blah, Holy hell, girl. *High fives* This is the way I'm feeling with someone right now. Honestly. This piece was real and it was my style. I loved it.

Going to the favs.

BCute<3

PS: Sorry it wasn't in depth, I've had a rough day.
| Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very good write. I really like it. The rhyme is very good on it. You are very talented at writting. Keep up the great work..

R.Bayden
| Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
  You're right the stucture binds this too tight. the rhymes seems forced the train wreck cliché eventhe walls over done I'm afraid. I can't say for sure if we all have had those relationships but i know i have and my little sister just got out of one her started when she was your age and just ended two years later. Although he never beat her he was so controling and always in jail or reheab unemployed and spending her money. Mine was much worse than hers I'm still trying to put it behind me.
This isn't all bad however "Together
We stand our opposites reflect" I like. Hey it's nice see some evolution and these are the pieces that need to be wirtten even if we're not happy with them My untitled between the femine side aches is such a piece i'm still trying to decide if i should delete it. thanks again. peace
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  wow me likey
| Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Silenced poet | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



101566