Sometimes, life Ė indelibly, can
stab its tattoos into me, then
drowning in the undertow, I
see my life on video. I
search for love and happiness but
where it hides I only guess, you
may have seen Epiphany, yet
love, it seems, is not for me. So
save your rites for cemeteries, where
flowers put your mind at ease, but
donít be such a crocodile, I
see right through that hollow smile. You
move your lips and say your prayers, yet
in your room you write: Who Cares? In
this weekís secret diary you
write of lips so fiery, and
longing for the one true kiss that
lifts your soul to heavenís bliss, I
hate myself for reading. Shit! No
longer am I part of it! So
please donít wail or cry or stuff, I
do believe Iíve had enough. Donít
ask what could the matter be...look
down Ė that spattered stain was ME.
well... [censored]... no idea... i always insist on reading these pieces... knowing that ive read one suicide note too many and many more that have remained unread coy its just too painful to acknowledge... this is a very powerful write... at first the rhyming buzz kinda pissed me off (no offence intended) but the second time through i was able to see through that and see the piece as a whole...
i really appreciate the ritual cemetry thing... ive known many people who have ended their lives... people who while they have been alive were nobodies and no one gave a damn but the shock of them being dead suddenly makes them everyones best friend... the whole town dresses in black and brings their flowers and sorrys but its a bit late them isnt it now...?
in the span of eternity we really are only a splat.. a beep... a vapour... the end of this piece was very final and yet... im wondering if there is more to this... i always wonder if suicide is worth it... whether it achieves what its victims think it will...
"Sometimes, life Ė indelibly, can stab its tattoos into me, then drowning in the undertow, I see my life on video. I search for love and happiness but where it hides I only guess, you may have seen Epiphany, yet love, it seems, is not for me."
Hmmm. So Graeme posts fluff to keep his mind nimble and then splashes a few of these on the 'sidewalk' to enflame his social conscience? Or is it possible the occasionally mind-numbing hero worship inherent in your fan base leads you to shock them into re-assessing why they 'like' your work (or even if they like it)?
"So save your rites for cemeteries, where flowers put your mind at ease, but donít be such a crocodile, I see right through that hollow smile. You move your lips and say your prayers, yet in your room you write: Who Cares?"
Do they understand the write, or is it possible they prefer the artist to his output (the Curt Cobain/Orson Welles/James Dean/Truman Capote syndrome: 'Your pain is cool! Can I watch?')?
"In this weekís secret diary you write of lips so fiery, and longing for the one true kiss that lifts your soul to heavenís bliss, I hate myself for reading. Shit! No longer am I part of it! So please donít wail or cry or stuff, I do believe Iíve had enough. Donít ask what could the matter be...look down Ė that spattered stain was ME."
And so we close with a final flourish of disgust with shallow writing and lame posing (perhaps even with your own output that satisfies the masses but doesn't quite soothe the spark). Is the 'spattered stain' a post no one cared to examine closely?
You know, your extreme care with structure and grammar make it virtually impossible to nitpick this post, so the best I can offer is a huge whiff of dead roses and congratulations on pushing the personal envelope. Enjoy the darkness.
I don't know why...but I just faved this piece...It's powerful and sad and it is so real it isn't even funny...*No I'm not suicidal* It's hard, dealing with suicide that is, but it is something that we all need to try and help prevent. Even though this piece talks about that suicidal person (and trust me I usually do not like pieces like this) and the depressed feelings that person has, this piece could really speak to someone who is suicidal. It could change their perspective. So in my opinion this is a good piece. It shows people, suicidal or not, that this is real, and we need to prevent it any way we can.
Wow, this really made me emotional. Why'd you have to go and do that to me?? lol
Graeme This My Friend is one hell of a write This is incredibly different from your usual rites But for some reason I find myself drawn into your words Extremely well written as our all your writes I am curious where did this idea come from Very Deep Graeme Excellent Job God Bless Ron
My head is spinning. Literally! I found the offset first syllable of the new rhyme making my brain more aware of my eyes snapping back to the beginning of the next line. Makes ofr a very disjointed feeling. Wonderful!
I love it when a writer uses an unusal form to help bring the theme across is more physical way.
I found myself being sucked under by the visuals. I could see the scars left on the skin over the years. Scars both external and internal- just like a tattoo. The weight of life pulling you down. And to top it off, you has nothing good to reflect on. (How can one look forward to the future when they're still trying to sort out the past?)
Saving the rites is a strong rebuking of the idea that suicides can't be buried in holy ground. (As if God in his wisdom can't understand what would drive a soul to end their life. Is He really that obtuse?)
And then making it clear that threatening a potential suicide with the lack of a proper burial is not an effective deterrant. It doesn't help that many upstanding christians are hypocrites.
And when this soul finally becomes sick enough of the force-fed stereotypes and stereohypes we all have to live with it, they decide to fly- to soar over the earth. Even if it's only until the smack into the ground.
A prefectly written, almost spookily accurate suicide note.
wow. That was incredible! Of course, I should have expected that~ *tips hat*. It threw me off, the slightly off-placement of the rhythm... but it made it interesting and kept the reader hooked, and gave it a creepy off-balance feel that works perfectly in the Suicide Note theme. Ha, I don't remember half of what was actually said... but the end was a killer. Literally, oh ha ha ha *smirk*. But seriously, this captivated me and drew me in; great rhythm and rhyme, I can't remember a thing about the imagery but with a rhythm like that that lilts along to a crashing finale, who needs pretty pictures? GREAT. ~Cora