Wild Eyes and Half-Smiles -------------------------------------------
Bones and salty skin
broad and strong dip out and around me
I vanish and reappear I couldn't miss this moment.
While you and I
meet in a thousand different ways.
Faint scent, musty and sweet
captivating the simple minded
I don't have the time...
I am analyzing the thoughts behind
Those wild eyes and half-smiles.
i really like the style of this. I like how you built the image of this guy or "guys"( i got the impression it could be both) with a poetic description of thier scent and features. good job. And my favorite part is...
"I am analyzing the thoughts behind
Those wild eyes and half-smiles." I like how you seperated them from the person as a whole, as if they had a life of their own. Got some serious talent blooming within your mind! Keep it up!
I really liked the words used, and the lack of flow really adds to the whole feel of the piece, this chaotic mysticism, like you are trying to search for serenity in an ever tumbling world of forgotten faces...Yeah, I think I just went on a rant right there. But yea, I really like it, nothing in particular I would change.
I have to say I am rather impressed by the length of this work, I do believe you could have gone farther with it, but at the same time, elaboratingmore may in the end have taken something from this piece. Cannot find any spelling and/or punctuation erros, and no lines seem to be out of place; so I'll move on.
"While you and I meet in a thousand different ways. Faint scent, musty and sweet captivating the simple minded"
This ciught my eye for somereason. I am not certain whether it's how you're describing meeting a thousand different ways, only to have it different each time (Meeting eyes, Bumping into eachother) or whether you seem to be calling yourself, possibly others, simpleminded because of theirinherent attraction. I'll have to give it more thought.
All in all a great work, keep it up. There is talent here.