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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rask
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 56/34/14
    Words: 238
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1211
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1722



    Description:
       Written from pure emotion, one of my only new poems I finished-- well not quite, it still needs a title. I sort of like this piece... not much else to say.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Untitled

    With words that preach eternities
    And grasp the stars above
    Their constellations spell out
    My ever dragging emotions
    As they cry, scream, shout,
    For you to hear my desperation
    To hear my neverending list of your perfections;
    Your sweet nectars drive me into craving fits,
    Because of my heart's ever entertwining perplexions
    Pumping chambers and locked metal;
    Your soul reaches past my impurities,
    And finally, makes my boiling blood settle

    (Peurile love stories and
    Raging feminine desires)

    With a whisp of breath
    And matches for a dry mouth;
    You calm my tides
    Without much thought,
    And little to guide
    Your swelling fingers;
    Locked closely around mine
    (Ever changing eyes make enticing lures)

    The chance behind my empty eyes,
    Is only there to deceive
    You look behind my vacant nature
    In aspiration to precieve
    Lost hopes and sentiment
    With optimistic desires to stir
    (And piece together)
    My long defied epiphanies

    You're the rope tied to my gun
    From afar you're gently pulling
    Slowly increasing its strength
    As you're soon to chain my heart;
    Ice, metal and all
    To spill it free and
    At long last, learn in its full entirety

    But always back to the beginning we will go
    As sweet nectar and boiling blood will flow
    To tear my heart to pieces
    Whether it be through climax or sheer impurity
    I'll change your eyes and forever relieve your insecurity.




    Submitted on 2006-05-03 20:24:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I give you no rule or exception for these are you recollections and I'm left foraging for meaning. You make me feel stupid in that I smoked too much pot sort of way back in the day I did and now my vocabulary is limited I know so many words that I never use but as you use them I'm scrambling sentences for meaning. I'm not much of a reader anyway because of dislexia I know that's not how it's spelled but you get the point. I have only two suggestions. Femanine should be feminine Unless you mean to imply man intentionally. an
    d also You say full entirety in this line"At long last, learn in its full entirety' I'd drop the full I think it sounds better and they are implying the same thing it's redundant. peace

    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Indeed pure and true emotions , I could feel them emitting from this write as I read this. I really enjoyed this, twas' a very delightful read.
    I really liked the wording and imagery as well and the flow was already.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      First i'll start with a little constructive criticism:

    David missed a spelling error, shows you that nobody is perfect, eh?

    'Raging 'feminine' desires'


    Punctuation. Try and not fall into the trap of throwing out punctuation just to have it there. Pay attention to your meter and let the punctuation steer the passages in the way you want your thoughts expressed. I'm not sure exactly how you want this piece to flow, so i won't offer any specifics.

    Now to the Positive feedback

    First of all i think this is a very good piece, and i can tell that you've put work into from your first writing. I love the allusion to the metal and ice in your heart. A lock and the chill of pain maybe? Either way its done eloquently, and it definitely holds my attention through the piece.

    I really want to congratulate you on the courage to incorporate intermittant rhyming in this piece. Using an occasional lyric couplet can really tie a piece together without having to have the repetition of a completely lyric poem, the best example of this is:

    The chance behind my empty eyes,
    Is only there to deceive
    You look behind my vacant nature
    In aspiration to precieve
    Lost hopes and sentiment
    With optimistic desires to stir
    (And piece together)
    My long defied epiphanies

    you start with a classic ABCB rhyme pattern, but break free...its a beautiful technique in this poem!

    Lastly before i seem far too verbose, i love the rope/gun double metaphor:

    You're the rope tied to my gun
    From afar you're gently pulling
    Slowly increasing its strength

    The explosiveness and uncontrolable nature of love maybe? I know, don't over interpret, but i can't help but dive into a good metaphor.

    Very good stuff, i look forward to reading and commenting on more!
    Yours,
    GI


    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Guy Incognito | [ Reply to This ]
      Rask, the only thing I think I can help you with here is tp point out a few mistakes in the writing. Other than that, and once they're fixed, I think this will be a strong write.
    'conSTELlations.'
    "Because of my HEART'S ever entertwining perplexions"
    "Your soul reaches past my impurities,
    And finally, making my boiling blood settle"
    Here, 'making' should be 'makes' to match the tense of 'reaches'
    "decEIve"
    There is actually a cute little rhyme to remember that.
    'I before E, except after C, or when sounded as A as in neighbor or weigh."
    A question. Do you really need 'full' and 'entirety'? It seems redundant. Perhaps use only 'fullness' or 'entirety'.
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this piece, emotion flowed nicely..I'm not sure if its love..but eh..The imagery in the end took me, I liked the sad yet somewhat loving imagine, of strings attached to hearts and guns, it goes well together..The way you described the heart, to be ice and metal was nice..Hearts are usually fragile and broken, so that was a change..

    Sorry this comment isn't long, I usually leave extensive comments, but my mood is low, so i'll be sure to comment another one of your works some other time. Great job, and take care.

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    101742

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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