Lost And Confused by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: Lost And Confused dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	187

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	304
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1182

Description:
I have no idea where this came from but reading it back it somehow (to me) shows of my confusion. So i'm 24, never finished school, never held a job for more than year before i get bored and move on to pastures new. So i guess i'm just lost. I know this piece has some contradictions, but so has my mind.

By the way thanks to all who left messages while i was away...

P.S... I know this isn't my usual standard but i'm out of practice.

Lost And Confused dots

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I feel nothing but wish no harm on others,
Women I just use as temporary lovers,
Friends take the test of time, all have failed,
I'll be happy to see thier coffins nailed.

The world is corrupt and there is no escape,
Religon questionable and seemingly fake,
There's no direction for me to take.

Lost in a place where time moves on,
Needing a light but all sources are gone,
Contept breeds deep within my heart,
I have it all mapped but can't find the start.

Knowing what is good and bad confuses me,
Sometimes something bad results in good,
And it works vise versa, confusion follows.

Can i make a mark if all my feelings are false?
Really it makes just a walking, talking pulse.
What to do? The answers far from clear,
Do i do what i like or listen to my fear?

I get one chance at life and it's already been a quarter lived,
Wasted and taken for granted, now it seems to late.
Life's a joke, of this i'm sure, now i'm awaiting the punchline..........

Submitted on 2006-05-03 23:32:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Hello Danny, glad to have you back, I have to admit that I’ve missed you too and that I was bit worried as well. I hope you are doing ok.
Well, this piece is kind of funny …. I believe that the rhyme scheme cab be accounted for that … It’s sorts accent the irony thing that the write has got. The first stanza was quite weird coz I thought that “our friends” were the ones to bring us some peace (when we are in a rough spot) when all others sources fail … it’s not that I’m being pejorative as to your remarks or the way you think I was just a bit puzzed …but –I guess – that the friends thing
is just part of the irony …

I do concur with you when you mention religion … it’s absolutely questionable … and fake... but I don’t think you should feel lost if religion doesn’t suit you … I mean... in my case I consider that the best religion one can follow is a more personal one which is to say that you can be a Christian and believe in God but without being part of any given institution …

Stanzas 3,4, and 5 are all about confusion and loneliness …. All in all, I must say that they are not really appealing …. They lack depth and they are rather redundant since all you say there is that bemusement has taken it’s toll on you … Additionally, there are several typos scattered throughout this piece, for instance you misspelled “their” in the line 4, "Religion" in line 6, "contempt" in line 10 , "vice versa" in line 14.

The last bit was what I enjoyed the most --- “I liked the punchline to this one my friend” --- someone told me that once lol ……. you seem to have created a great ending and you use this to finish the poem and to refer to the so-called punchline that you are seemingly and ironically expecting in your personal life …. I was open mouthed when after I realized of what you were really saying. One last thing would be pointing out that you might need to add one “O” to “to late” … it seems that it’d make more sense that way .. Your call though …

Well, hope you don’t think I’m berating you ... just trying to be honest.

Kind regards,
Smiles,
Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
Women I just use as temporary lovers- that line made me laugh. I could tell that it would be an honest poem.

3rd stanza, 3rd line: typo on contempt.

"Needing a light but all sources are gone"
- I'd take out the "but" and use a comma instead

"vise"- vice.

5th stanza- "i"- I

"Really it makes just a walking, taking a pulse"- doesn't make sense.

Don't listen to your fear, do want you like. Say [censored] Fear and live. True, a quarter gone, might as well make the most of it .

That feeling in your gut tells you whether you're doing wrong or right- listen to that and you'll know.

Friends come and go and so do women. Sounds like you need to find what you're really passionate about in life, what really draws you in and put everything you have into that one thing you've probably been avoiding because of your fear. If you die trying, well at least you really lived while you were alive.
| Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]

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