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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Suicidal Bibledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Dark
    Total Views: 1493
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 691



    Description:
       This is something I wrote a while back, and it's short. I liked the idea, and the rhyme. It could be written a lot better though. =] [REVISED; still needs work though]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuicidal Bibledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Moses the razorblade
    parts my red sea arm,
    a biblical tidal wave
    of crimson flows ever on.

    John the Baptist,
    a nylon fanatic,
    wants to hang me
    up in the attic.

    [Chorus:]
    My suicidal bible,
    there's no other rival
    to it’s scriptural self-homicide;
    the lethal techniques that are found inside.

    Jesus the shotgun
    gives me a tender kiss,
    his cross on my forehead,
    there’s no way that he can miss.

    God as a gas can,
    Virgin Mary as a match;
    I put them together
    And burn like the holy lamb.

    [Chorus]




    Submitted on 2006-05-05 02:44:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this ia a very interesting piece and written very well, you are quite talented and your words are dark and satanic and the emotions very well expressed. Your thoughts run dark inside your heart. I to also wonder what you were thinking when you wrote this piece as well a excellant write Hope you will enjoy reading some of my work some time.

    Ladymustang
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      What did go through your mind when you wrote this :o it's dark and satanic, I like it. Nice rythym and flow. xD

    Keep up the good work, man.

    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-08-12 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, great emotion behind this. I don't have nething bad to say about it, I just wonder what goes through your mind Heartless. Good job

    -Creep
    | Posted on 2006-07-27 00:00:00 | by Mr. Creep | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, obviously God has not been on your good side but I do like your poem because of its strong message, even though I can disagree with it completely. But like I say, "To each his own."

    -Angel-
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by just an angel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, a bit.... akward. I must say I didn't quite understand it but what i think is that yuo are putting down god the others and the bible. It seems to me you are athiest. But who knows that is just my opinion. :)


    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by jslbabygirl101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Man thats somethign else i havent heard a poem like this before it was really good you'll have to come read mine.
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by lilwhitelycanlk | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice write loved it i can really relate to part of it well ttyl peace
    ~love Ashlee
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Giverofpain | [ Reply to This ]
      very strong words in the verse about jesus.
    its my favorite.
    this has alot of flow to it.
    very dark indeed.
    and i like it!

    "Jesus the shotgun
    gives me a tender kiss,
    his cross on my forehead,
    there’s no way that he can miss.'

    love it!
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Is this love? | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. I love the way you added all that biblical imagery, that was very very creative and really made me visualize it better. I loved this line here the most

    "a biblical tidal wave of crimson flows ever on."

    This is brilliant and has a lot of imagery in it. most people can visualize the parting of the red sea but then when you add a twist like that, it really makes the picture in my head even better. and yeah it could be a little longer i think. You like described how moses relates to the pain, how john the baptist does and the jesus shotgun was brilliant, i loved that metaphor, but then you dont expand on the God as a gas can or mary as a match, i think you should write more about them too. Other than that i really enjoyed this poem

    peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      hey
    ok i loved it fisrt of all. but there may have not veen humer but i saw it in it. i loved how u pulled that off just the flow and the rhyme of it was completly awsome the only thing i didnt like was the ending for a poem that started strong it ended kinda weak to me but other than that i loved it
    keep smiling hun:)

    tashea
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      it seems many people have already commented on this piece, but i like it. though Moses did not part the red sea, god did... he just took the claim for it. but i get what it means.
    I dont have much to say on this piece because it speaks for itself. but i love how you used "god" and his ways to describe a suicide.

    nice write

    Jesi Rae
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Joe, saw ya on chat a few times and then noticed this title and I gotta say this was an amazing title and even from the start you got my mind wandering. WOW, I'm impressed and almost speechless (a great challenge, I must admit that) this was amazing, literally the best thing I've read in a LONG time, the thoughts I got in my mind, not only the imagry but the mark this inflicted on my thoughts was brilliant. you could rewrite it but I think with this one it's the idea that matters more then the words....it happens every way if that makes sense to you. Really nothing I would change other than maybe make it a little more poetic but this was amazing. I'll definatly read your other writes now.
    loved it,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your right, this could use a re-write. Great idea though, and in a few lines there you rhymed really well. Good Job with that one.
    You see to know everything you should change and fix up, because you admitted the fact that it could be written better.
    Theres absolutly nothing wrong with posting drafts of work that aren't that good, I do it plenty, but what I have a problem with is actually going back and re-writing things.
    I hope you dont make the same mistake, because this is a great idea and I love the title!
    Your a beautiful thinker, Joe.

    ---
    Carry
    ---
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by herownadversary | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is by far one of the most creative things I've read... and I've read alot. I read it aloud and was doing it much more melodically than I realized until a friend said something. :P
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by MyWorld | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i liked it and im christan it decribes how i feel alot .....keep up the good work

    ~ w/ love Ashley
    | Posted on 2006-06-11 00:00:00 | by Giverofpain | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this i never wud of thought to write anything like this not that i wud well its awesome and the flow is great i love it
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by SecludedSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really deep
    You easily expressed how you feel about life at the present time
    All I can say is I hope and Pray you dont blame God for the negativity you now feel
    That is a man made creation and you have to realize God has always been with you protecting you from ending your beautiful Life
    Remaion strong!!!!
    Being that you wrote this almost two months ago that shows me you are still here and feeling better
    God Bless
    Please keep in touch
    I miss hearing from you
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy [censored]. (Hah No pun intended).
    That is the most creative thing I've read in... a very long time.
    I'm half speechless.
    I love the dark, violent cloud that hovers over every word.

    "his cross on my forehead,
    there’s no way that he can miss"

    That part made me say "Ooo." lol

    I really love this.
    Hmm... I would offer constructive criticism, but I got nothing.
    I can give you only compliments.
    You have a lot of talent.

    lol I am fascinated.

    Very wonderfully done
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-07-18 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting, very interesting. First, liked the way it rhymed, really. It had that dark, original, at-the-moment sort of feeling, if you can understand that. It's all taken to a whole new level, you could also make it longer it would add to the feeling it already has.
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by Foreseer | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good Song, It puts a newer and more morbid version onto bible characters that were installed into us as little children as being the perfect people. I love it, Keep up the awesome lyrics.

    R.Bayden
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your work. It's dark and has a great rythem to it. It sounds like something I could listen to everyday and not get sick of it. Why, you might ask because I can really realate to what was written especially the first verse.

    Jenn
    | Posted on 2006-07-24 00:00:00 | by bbcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Extremely Dark and kinda sadistic defenitly need to make it longer but in imagery and imagination u take it man.
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Laz | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay I can plainly see you are not skipping hand in hand with God in the meadow singing "Jesus loves Me" I do like the way in which you characterized the figures in the Bible. I wouldn't say I agree, but it shows the anger you have for organized religion and how it can make people crazy. That it is hypocritical and unforgiving. There are grammar issues. All in all I liked it a great deal.
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by fortressofwords | [ Reply to This ]


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