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Mice


Author: Glassy Eyed
ASL Info:    17/f
Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 550 /427 /187
Words: 76
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 778
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 527



Description:


We had to do a poem off an article in the newspaper. In Austrailia, some miners were trapped in a cage 1/2 a mile underground, and this is what I wrote...


Mice



Trapped like mice in a cage
Waiting to be fed to the snake
Hearts racing,
Nerves on point to
Feel
Hear
Sense
Anything that might
Give way to hope.

At last,
That idea of hope shined through.
"Get us out"
Was all we said
When we finally broke through the barrier,
Ripped through the inky black veil,
That'd kept us secluded,
Kept us alone,
Kept us mice in a cage waiting to die.




Submitted on 2006-05-05 11:55:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  australia too? there were miners trapped her in the stated a few times.. I didnt'see the miners in this. i though of the way some people see their lives as being trapped in a cage..
| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
  Just a suggsetion, I would change the following:
Trapped
like mice in a cage
Waiting to be fed
to the snake
Hearts racing,
Nerves on point to
Feel, hear, sense
Anything
that might
Give way to hope.

At last,
That idea of
hope shined through.
"Get us out"
Was all we said
When we finally
burst out of
the barrier,
Ripped through
the inky black veil,
That had kept
us so secluded,
Kept us alone,
Like suffocating mice
trapped inside
a cage
waiting to die.

take it or leave it, I just personally feel that the short lines and faster read of the formatting help to feel the anxiousness and urgency of the situation. though it was alright as it is.


| Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't imagine what I would be like confined in any kind of space! LOL! I would go crazy! As soon as I got out....they better admit me into a psycho ward!

This was a great metaphor to the whole thing. The mice trapped in the cage. Them little guys do want out of there.

This was a good resemblance (did I spell that right?).

Overall....great job. I see nothing that needs improvement! You gave it your own style and flow and that is what I like to see most in a write!

Much love,

Li Li
| Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  Feeling trapped sucks...and this was a great poem showing that...I think we can all relate to that feeling...helpless and a little claustrophobic.
| Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


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