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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forsakendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Star
    ASL Info:    15 F WI
    Elite Ratio:    2.69 - 125/127/42
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1529
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 758



    Description:
       I dunno its just random thoughts just give feedback good or bad!!!
    Thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForsakendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Last night I cried a thousand tears
    I cried away my hopes and fears
    I t was for my childhood that was robbed
    And the broken dreams i continued to sob

    I shed a storm that raged a flood
    trying to wash away wat ive done
    fist clutched and stained with blood
    Just another story of a forgotten sun

    Forsaken by love her heart turned to stone
    Posessed by thoughts which are not her own
    A little girls life shattered like broken glass
    From scattered memoiries from a painful past

    A lost soul on an abandoned search
    consumed by darkness from all around
    Shadows scream a painful curse
    Leaving her alone to never be found





    Submitted on 2006-05-05 13:16:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked it. And I loved it when you changed it to a different point of view. I just want to know if I am getting it right. Is the first stanza now and the rest in the past. If so, its pure brilliance to do that. SO you can get the story behind the first stanza, to know why you felt that way. And if not, its still works for me!! Its good very very good!!!
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by groovycay | [ Reply to This ]
      well i really liked it seriously its not junk like i said before... think that we both can relate...
    i feel it too
    | Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
      sam you rock keep this junk up ok!!
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it and thought i was a good poem. You made a few minor mistakes like spelling. The poem changes from 1st to 2nd person but it sounds okay that way to me. I think it all fits together. It could be the way the girl feels and then someone looking in on her life. Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by tomboy | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really good! I like your unique style of writing! At the beginning, you can kindda tell what the "story" is about, but then you kindda teeter off.....! But i'm not saying thats a bad thing, like i said b-4 you have a unique style of writing and you should keep that...it's what makes you stand out! :) Keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by mysterious one | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it alot, this is good,keep writing like this,but i like the way it changes to 2nd person though but thats just me
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Master Bates | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it alot, this is good,keep writing like this,but i like the way it changes to 2nd person though but thats just me
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Master Bates | [ Reply to This ]
      it was good, but you jumped from 1st to 2nd person halfway thru. didnt like that. really liked the 1st stanza
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by LostAlias | [ Reply to This ]


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