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Author: Eggman
Elite Ratio:    6.99 - 408 /348 /59
Words: 1510
Class/Type: Story /Comedy
Total Views: 2550
Average Vote:    4.6667
Bytes: 8926



“Wait a minute, that’s a little aggressive for a first move, don’t you think?” he says.

“I’m an aggressive player. What, do you think it was a bad move?” she says.

“A bad move? How could the first move be a bad move? It doesn’t hold up to bad move criteria. It’s just that most women I’m with are defensive. They like to build these, these sort of walls around themselves. They try to make it real difficult for me, you know, they want to make sure I’m man enough to infiltrate. So it’s different for me to see something so open,” he says.

“I like you.”

“It’s not about liking me. The other girls liked me, too, but that doesn’t mean they wanted to be taken. Obviously you are not like these other women, but for all I know you could be setting me up. I’ll wake up tomorrow strapped to a bedpost, clad in a g-string, and $600 poorer. Jesus, listen to me. It’s the first move and I’m already speculating that I’ve been drawn into a trap.”

“Are you going to move?”

“Well I’m not going to forfeit due to neurosis. There.”

“That was pretty aggressive, too.”

“Yeah, you should know that about me. I purport a weak exterior, but there’s a hulky, steroid abusing, body-builder on the inside just biding for the chance to rampage. You’re very beautiful, you know,” he says.

“It’s not your turn,” she says.

“I thought I’d get it out right away. It’s our first time, so, I mean, I wanted to say it right in the beginning so that we won’t be fumbling around with words worrying about how we feel. We’ll get along better if we can eliminate some of that awkward tension that fills in during breaks of verbal communication, and so, you know, we can just sort of relax and have fun, and if you have any confessions it’s best to relieve them right at the beginning so we know exactly where we stand and we won’t have to press each other for these things later when they might cause some damage.”


“So do you have any confessions?”

“I like you.”

“Perfect. That’s the perfect confession. I mean, I know you’ve already told me you like me, but now it’s official. It’s a confession.”

“Do you do this often?”

“Do what? Confess?”

“Play, I mean.”

“Oh, well, yeah, I guess I do. And I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, too. The last girl I was with fainted on me. Dropped cold in the middle of her move. I mean, aesthetically I know I’m not the most pleasing man, but I don’t think I’m worth a black out, and, well, if she had just confessed to me we would have saved a lot of time and a headache. And maybe an ambulance ride. Real blow to the ego, that one.”

“I think you needed it.”

“Well, hey, do you do this often? I mean, you certainly look confident.”

“Uh, yeah; actually I think I do this more often than I should. I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences, too, but I’m always hoping the next one will be better. I want to find someone who is good but not dominating, but it’s like I have a tendency to pick up on the bad players.”

“Hey, what? Are you knocking me in the middle of it?”

“No. No, I mean, ok, so the last guy I was with, it was a couple weeks ago, he was very nice and handsome and sweet, you know, but when we got to the table, he let me win.”

“He let you win? How could he let you win? Winning’s everything. Just ask the President. I mean, how flaccid can you get?”

“He said he liked me because he thought I was sweet.”

“That’s it? He let you win because he thought you were sweet?”

“Yeah. And the guy before that--”

“Oh, geez, don’t tell me.”

“He cried.”


“He cried, right in the middle of it. Wasn’t embarrassed about it or didn’t try to hide it. He just cried.”

“My god, what were you doing to him? It didn’t involve leather, did it?”

“He said it was a very emotional experience for him.”

“Jesus, where do you find these bozos?”

“I told you. I really do pick out the bad ones,” she says.

“Well what do you think of me so far? I mean, besides the bad posture.”

“I’m pretty comfortable, actually. Except it feels like you’re moving a little fast.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry if I move a little hastily, but I’ve got somewhere to be later tonight,” he says.

“What? Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think we’d get the chance to be this far if I told you.”

“Well what did you expect to happen afterwards? You’d just leave the table? Leave me alone after this?”

“Well it’s our first time, you know. I thought that would happen anyways. I’m sorry, but it’s not like we’re married or anything. You can’t expect me to spend the night.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt.”

“Ok, look, I’m sorry. We’ll forget about it. It’s not that important, anyway, so if you want me to stay afterwards, I can stay. Don’t expect me to, though. Anyways, it’s your move. Let’s forget about it.”

“Only if you promise to slow down.”

“Alright, I’ll slow down. Do you still like me?”


“Good. I still think you’re stunningly beautiful, and I wouldn’t trade this experience for any other in the world. Where’d you learn to play?”

“Me? Oh, well, in high school, sort of. That was my first time. But I didn’t really get any practice until college.”

“Well you’re very good.”

“You think so? Yeah, I guess you can credit that to all the different men I’ve tried.”

“You know, you’re not making me feel any better about my chances.”

“I’m sorry. Where’d you learn to play?”

“Well as you know I’m very competitive. When I was younger I used to practice all the time on my own, you know, because I wanted to be perfect my first time. I really wanted to nail the first woman I met.”

“Did you?”

“No. It was very sloppy actually. I was really nervous and I was sweating and I was trembling. I mean, I thought I knew what I was doing; she didn’t know what she was doing, either. Anyways, we ended up knocking the board over half-way through.”

“You didn’t finish?”

“Hey, don’t laugh at me. Was your first time any better?”

“No,” she says.

“See,” he says.

“But I never practiced.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a lot different than you’d imagine it to be. Do you remember what you imagined your first time to be like? And-and do you remember how different it actually was? You can’t prepare for this.”

“Do you still practice?”

“Of course. All the time. What about you?”

“Every once in awhile, if it’s been a long time.”

“That can’t be too often, then.”

“More often than you might think.”

“Sometimes I wish there wasn’t so much pressure on being a good player, you know? I think then that everyone would be more relaxed, if we could be satisfied by bad players.”

“I think it’s the idea of natural selection. The better players win over the weak players.”

“Darwin was a nut.”

“Why are you worried? You’re a good player."

“Of course I’m good player. It’s not about that. I just don’t want to come across a really bad player that I happen to like. I’d feel guilty.”

“Do you feel guilty now?”

“This is actually a very stimulating experience. One of the best I’ve had in awhile.”

“You sound surprised.”

“I am. It’s been a, uh, it’s been a long time since I’ve had such a good time.”

“Good. Are you ready?”

“What? What for? Ready for what?”

“Checkmate,” she says.

“Wow. You were wonderful,” he says.


Submitted on 2006-05-06 01:02:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  *sits and stares at this for a moment then bursts into a fit of laughter*

that is perhaps the most awesome thing i have ever read on this site.

i know this HAD to take time

it is so well organized and set up

not to mention funny

oh i loved this =]P

i may just have to favorite it ^_^

yes yes, i think i will!

i will certainly return to the famous EggMan for more!


love it love it!!

"Please, Sir, May i have some more?"

made me smile


| Posted on 2008-01-23 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  This is simply hilarious. What's amazing is that the pair have no idea of the possible meanings of everything they say. So its funny in an ironic sort of way.
There's not much, as far as content is concerned, that I would change about this poem. Maybe a little action, as opposed to dialogue, would spice it up a bit. But if you're specifically trying to just use dialogue I guess you don't want to do that. I just thinking that throwing something simple in every now and then, like someone moving back their chair or resting their head on their hands, could actually emphasize how focused they are on the game and their conversation. But hell its funny as it is now.
I agree with some earlier commentor's that you might want to throw in a few he said she said's. Or even throw in some gender specific words into their dialogue. You did that once with "I wanted to nail the first woman I played against." Putting in a few more of those could make reading this a bit easier.
Overall though this was a lot of fun to read and I'm glad you wrote it.
| Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by jonsmithy | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Now, I HATE all the he said, she saids at the ends. I was thinkging as I was reading this that it would be really cool if you put the girls words in italics (Fancy writing- just like a chick!), align it to the right instead of the left, and then drop a he said and she said in once in a while, just to remind the readers. If you did it that way you could probably even drop the quotation marks.... just a thought, but I think that would rock!

Other than that, a couple misspells:

“That doesn’t me[an] I don’t feel hurt,” she says.

Hey, don’t laugh [at] me. Was your first time any better?” he says

Let me know where you go with this. I'd love to add it as a fav when you're happy with it!

Take Care!

| Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  I didnt know what to expect when I started reading this
And in this one my Friend I must say you nailed a perfect write
You kept the simalarities between being a player in Life and being a chess player perfect
Up to the very last line I still wasnt sure if it was life or a chess game you were talking about
An excellent write my Friend
I will be looking for more of your stories
You kept my mind very occupied with this one
God Bless

Please keep in touch Its been awhile since Ive heard from you
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  this is terrific, eggy! it's hard writing mostly dialogue but this piece paces very well and the ambiguity of the words leaves the reader wondering what's really going on. chess is great metaphor for the dance of flirting. nice work - a fave!

i haven't written any fiction in weeks...


| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I had to chuckle at certain parts in this-- when talking about their first time, the comparisons between the mating game and a chess game were very well done. Throughout this whole piece you managed to do this, but that part stood out to me the most.

“Of course I’m (a) good player. It’s not about that. I just don’t want to come across a really bad player that I happen to like. I’d feel guilty.”

I only spotted one place that needed a slight correction. Apart from that, I found it flawless.


| Posted on 2006-07-01 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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