[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Definition of Artdots

    Author: Halston
    ASL Info:    20/female/carlsbad,ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 72/71/30
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1113
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 720

       Inspired by Jean-Michel Basquiat. Written at 14

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDefinition of Artdots

    I have been consuming these pieces of thought
    and purging them into the streets,
    the steam will rise and leave
    the important things.

    Crawling from the wreckage
    and here you are a mess
    that morphs and awakens
    I cannot help you now,
    They say that I am broken.

    The sky looks so nice today,
    and here trick,
    I'll do ya one better,
    I'd murder that blue...
    and wear it around my neck.

    And when nothing makes sense
    it is a peice of art
    believe me,
    I am the definition of art.
    A good conversation is hard to find
    in this town.

    Submitted on 2006-05-06 17:14:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Check the spelling of piece, otherwise, it is a little broken and hard to understand as you warned. What's the point of consuming and purging? If it is consumed, it is meant to be kept. If it is being sorted out for later use, it's not really purged, it's being winnowed or purified.

    I feel it would be better if put entirely into the past tense, as if it were a story, being reflective as you would considering art that was a "done thing". You could, however, leave that last stanza like it is, sort of inviting current conversation as an after the story thing.

    Personally, I would reverse the first line around a bit to say something like, "Pieces of thought were consumed, others winnowed out into the street where the chaff rose and left the important things." to put the emphasis on that subject right off the bat. The ideas given in the first stanza are good, the words need work.

    The third stanza needs a lot of reconsidering, but the title is clever in that it can be considered in more than one way. Maybe you could hide a hint to that somewhere.

    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      "and here trick,"

    I'm unsure about the meaning of this line. I can't find a meaning to it or what it is supposed to connect to or modify in the poem as far as grammer goes. I have nothing against fragmented thought in general, but I do like it to have something it is connected to.
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      There's something seductive about this piece, Halston...I like the way you sort your thoughts in the first stanza...and who the heck are "they" to decide who is broken or not??? There is a huge difference between all together and THEN broken, and not quite finished/still putting the pieces together/undone. Humph to "them!" Not clear on what the "blue" is...hope it's not heavy around your neck...fear it may weigh you down...and...when nothing makes sense to others, it IS a piece of art, a one and only, unique creative expression...and with that, my friend, you have been gifted.

    Please, continue writing forever and ever...and be careful about "extra ingredients" in your mind's developing chemical soup...

    Here's hoping you find a good conversation!
    Hugs and stuff like that!
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]