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    dots Submission Name: Inside You (extended)dots

    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 598
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1223
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3753

       I extended this coz I liked it so much...hope it doesn't get boring...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInside You (extended)dots

    Finding no road map
    for your mind, I shunned advice
    from well-meaning mentors
    and ventured forth
    with a colored crystal compass
    to find the real you.

    Trudging highways of hero worship
    and streets of silver wishes
    I passed through memory’s villages,
    and a pretty young girl waved from a doorway
    then went back to her child’s games.
    Adulthood frowned, then saw me
    for what I was...and smiled.

    I read a tree trunk diary,
    and napped under an impossible orchid,
    dreaming of shelter shed kisses,
    and love notes that turned into blue butterflies.

    Herds of unicorn stampeded past me
    as a wildfire of emotions
    raced through the undergrowth.
    I sheltered in a geyser of sultry thoughts,
    and came out dripping and shy.
    A serpent tried to whisper secrets
    but I walked on quickly.

    Through a forest of fear I stumbled,
    and was nearly overcome
    by a sad miasma that rose
    from a college-colored carpet of old leaves.
    As the path turned upward
    I watched eagles
    circling a free spirit,
    daring any would-be predator to show himself.

    I came to an ocean of regrets
    and rested on the shale,
    picking up an deformed nugget with a golden smile.
    I held it to the sun
    and its light glowed upon a secret place
    where darkness had never been.

    I lit a campfire
    in the centre of a purple pentacle,
    and fell asleep to tales of a long-lost love.
    In the dawn
    I climbed the tree of knowledge,
    and looked over a jungle
    of frustration and futility.
    I saw a track of pain
    through the forest,
    and I climbed down from the canopy slowly,
    to the applause of a raptor’s wings.

    I found a haunted doll’s house,
    and exorcised the demons by laughing loudly.
    A baby girl crawled from the ashes
    and smiled, then climbed
    out of sight on a rainbow.

    I trekked on,
    and a spiteful storm
    drove me to a coal-black courtyard,
    where I cowered in fear
    as sharks’ teeth of lightning bit the dark sky,
    and the thunder boomed like metal.

    When the sun smiled once more,
    I sat beside a clear stream
    and watched foolish fishes
    chase each other in circles,
    until they lay gasping on the shore,
    staring at me with eyes of why.
    In a karma canoe,
    I paddled upstream
    until regret’s rapids
    forced me from the sweet water.
    I climbed a clumsy cliff,
    looked back on the delta of doubt,
    then slept in a giant palm leaf,
    dreaming of Cupid and comets.

    I bathed
    in the sunshine of your purest thoughts,
    then walked through the Pass of Loneliness,
    until high in the Maybe Mountains
    I slept in a cave of frozen dreams.
    Waking to a rainbow dawn
    I sang to the rhythm of your heartbeat
    and I prayed for your soul,
    at a turnstile of road signs
    that pointed the way to Nowhere.
    Flipping a giggling coin
    I chose the path to the centre of the universe.

    A stone barrier bade me no entry
    to your private pinnacle
    but I peeked through the Hessian
    and saw you bathing naked
    at a obsidian waterfall.

    As the stars shone in your hair
    I knew that our destiny had
    already been written.

    Submitted on 2006-05-06 21:42:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Graeme, I guess why I like this piece is that I think you have gone someplace different than most of the poems by you I have read. They are all very ballad-like... rhymed... etc. They are fun and funny and then you offer us this. A very allegorical piece with no rhyme, no form except to center it. The stanza where you find her bathing naked reminded me of the Myth of Aecteon who saw Diana bathing naked and she turned him into a deer who was killed by his own hunting dogs.
    I think each of your lines is well written and strong and you have a really nice feel for the piece... for its rhythms.

    You might want to check spelling a few places. It should be 'an' obsidean waterfall, not 'a'. There was another place but I can't find it now.
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this for the reason that each little verse could almost stand upon its own as a snapshot...in fact...that was the impression that came to my mind as I read this...that you were looking through a photo album of this person...turning each page as she grew older and watching her evolve...

    And again with the blue butterflies...they must have some special meaning to you, perhaps?

    It did get a bit lengthy and could lead to a lot of people not pursuing the effort to read it through, but I'm not sure that it could be consolidated in any way BECAUSE of how each snapshot is so completely separate from the other. You also tied it all together very nicely in the end, which gives it closure that was satisfying...

    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm still tossing up -- I really love the brevity of the other piece, but the greater detail here most certainly doesn't detract from that original impact. You have continued but not over-written the metaphor, and no, it most definitely does not become boring. Just gives us more nice lines to quote, really.

    I'm still captured by the obsidian waterfall -- I totally love that as a closing image. Opaque and hard, yet invitingly liquid -- a delightful paradox. The whole poem is concerned with this idea that there are hidden layers to explore, and just when you think you've found all there is, something else appears. It's a rare pleasure to encounter a piece that rejoices in the complexity of love rather than a clichéd notion of simple romance.
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the extended piece as well. I like the way you give more areas of her mind to search out for. This was filled with all kinds of hidden meanings. I loved the imagery and felt you did a freat job showing us the reader the many sides of this woman to explore. Well done Graeme!


    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Why hasn't anyone commented on this/ It must be one of those pieces that leaves the reader stunned beyond all words...

    I like the extended version. It gives the piece an epic feel. And I can only guess how epic a trek many of us would have to take to gain the inner sanctum in the minds of our loved ones.

    Nicely lengthened...

    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

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