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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Pierdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wildchild
    ASL Info:    19/f/northwest
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 307/268/27
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1577
    Average Vote:    4.2500
    Bytes: 1172



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Pierdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A lone Maiden stands on the pier
    Untethered against the approaching storm
    Mists spray her, winds freeze her
    But still she stands, incapable of response
    Waiting for the hurricaine to seize,
    for the ocean to rise and meet her

    She wasn't pretty or whitty or terrible funny
    She never had it to turn men's heads
    Never had fire in her eyes, power in her tone..
    She was just her, and at one time,
    it had seemed enough

    There once was a man who stood beside her
    Cradled her in his arms
    Shielding her from the onslaught at the pier
    He gave hope, made her smile, and then
    The world seemed just fine
    with no sea big enough to swallow them

    But just as quickly as the blessing came
    He disappeared
    Engulfed in the mob, shoved to the back
    Their jeering cries sounded ever the louder
    Cheering for the suffering of the Maiden
    and she did

    She withered and shrunk
    With each passing gale
    Until in pure defense, her eyes and heart turned to stone
    And so she stands still




    Submitted on 2006-05-06 23:30:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is great...very great..
    i like it though....
    i like it very much...

    bye,
    Tarzan
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by tarzan | [ Reply to This ]
      Good [censored], And i don't think you really need my comment judging by all this feedback.
    | Posted on 2006-08-12 00:00:00 | by psyko | [ Reply to This ]
      This is sooo sad love, it the pure frailty and innocence that is exhaled from every line that describes the maiden, I like the fact that you describe her not only in words but in the lack there of, the lack of words that describe her actions, it seems that through this entire piece she hardly moves or makes a sound, and the end;

    "She withered and shrunk
    With each passing gale
    Until in pure defense, her eyes and heart turned to stone
    And so she stands still"


    the end drops it off with such frail imagry that i can almost see a poor young girl sitting on a pier alone, and in dismay from the loss of her young man in this chaotic scene

    <3 TheGentlemanWhore
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]
      Good archaic imagery allowing one to regress into times of past. Enjoyed the line: Cheering for the suffering of the Maiden and she did

    The last paragraph needs a little more substance to be consistent with the rest of the poems paragraphs.

    An idea would be:

    Out of the eye in the hurricane
    She withered and shrunk in each passing gale
    Until in pure defense, her eyes and heart turned to stone
    So she stands still in the raging storm
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by bmorecmore | [ Reply to This ]
      A sad story.
    Written so well. , jess, i never read anything of you before, accidentily burst into your page, lucky to have found this.
    The flow is so good, and the word use..
    I had to read it twice though, but thats maybe because I just woke up. never mind.
    It was like a very good though sad story, written in good flowing stanzas.
    A story about a girl. who never was special never had a love but still there was a day that a man came and truly loved her. Though, times of happiness were short, he disappeared, and she was filled in grief, which made her a stunned stone, as though she cried cement.
    And then probably dissapeared herself, invisable for the mass which are called people.
    At least my thoughts about this piece.
    thanks for the good read,

    Darth Zeus
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      HEy, Sexy! Lol, hm.... I am not quite sure what to think about this poem, I know you are a great writer and you should keep it up! N-e ways keep up the great work and stay in touch.



    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by jslbabygirl101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my. This rocked me, these words were powerful enough to shove me back in my chair and say, "Hey, listen up. This will move you, this will break the ties between imagination and reality. You will feel these words more then you have felt anything before. You are these words, you will be there, inside this woman's head, this woman's heart. You will be this woman. Until I am finished with my story."

    I wasn't just reading a poem, I was listening to a story. If you can keep my complete attention for a whole poem, let alone two stanzas, you are awesome. Danny has his music blaring, I didn't hear it until I started commenting. Hells Bells, not something you can ignore easily, yet your words allowed me to block it out.

    Now, I am going to go off on some imagry, because I love puting into words what I see in other peoples writting.

    A woman, navy blue dress being whipped back and forth by the wind, eyes never blinking, never moving from their gaze out at the sea. Her ars are at her sides, palms out, appearing to be asking "Why?". Behind her is a city, dark now, because they can find solace in sleep, their eyes can close without the pain of seeing his face. She continues watching the sea, but time shifts, now there is a girl. The girl is kneeling on the pier her face burried in dirtied hands, she is weeping. All around her are laughing faces, she can't see them, but she can hear them, all that she is is his face. That fallen face, that face she loved, that face that now looks at her as the others look at her. The girl stands and runs, time continues, still the woman stares. Forever will this woman stare. This, this is her curse.

    Ahem...and I am done. Thank you. I probably went in a completely different direction then you had intended, but, hey, my mind tends to get off subject a little.

    Much love,
    Bon
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW, Jess, this is awesome, didn't know you were so good at poetry it's seriously good, and I might read more later on, but for now, I'm checking everyone and reading one, I want to tell my friends I'm back, ;o, anyway I loved this part the most:

    There once was a man who stood beside her
    Cradled her in his arms
    Shielding her from the onslaught at the pier
    He gave hope, made her smile, and then
    The world seemed just fine
    with no sea big enough to swallow them

    It's probably cause it's the one which expresses my mood the most, and I don't know it came to me, and really touched me, it's awesome! I just can't wait to read more, but for now I'm off to a land far far away called ES WORLD, ;o, if your looking for me I'm somewhere on an ES page, , cya, take care

    Wolfy-
    | Posted on 2006-06-16 00:00:00 | by Wolfeye_666 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an incredible piece. I loved the way you described things. I felt like I was actually seeing the girl/woman you talk about here. The punctuation was perfectly set and guided me good. Keep it up babe.
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by lmen | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, I got a image of a witch trail from reading this. Don't know if that's what you where going for, lol. Really sad, Jess should be sad! Think of happy things! Like the mean people in the world being turned into meanpeoplecicles. Or being trampled by a giant cyborg dino. Or maybe just drowning in a icy river OF DOOM.

    ..... not that Aki's bitter towards mean people. Not at all. And I'm ranting about random things.. need to get back to the poem, yeah..

    Great job on writing this, even though it's really sad. Oh! This also reminds me of some old ghost story i read about once. Forgot what it was called though ;;
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      Well that's a nice story, I'm not sure if I like the poetry-like phrases, but I think it's pretty good tho. I specially loved the ending part when the girl turns into a stone maiden. This piece make me feel like a "déja vu" your poem reminds me so much of a story I readed, or maybe was it a cartoon I watched.... must have been an anime if it was a tv show.... *pounders* anyway, all i wanted to say is that you did some great work once again. And by the way, I think it's sad that you didn't got online tonight, I could have gave you my personnal impression in real time.... awww... Guess you haven't been sneaky enough. I hope to get to talk to you tommorow in the afternoon.... morning most probably...lol

    Well then, take care.
    ^_^ Neko
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Gothik | [ Reply to This ]
      "She wasn't pretty or whitty or terrible funny"

    i think that should be terribly not terrible...ok, now that i've finished being a nitpicker...on to the actual piece...

    "She was just her, and at one time,
    it had seemed enough"

    those were my favorite lines...but i'm confused...was it the man that made her feel like just being herself as enough, or did she feel that way at first, and then he came alone and left her, and after that she just kind of emptied inside and decided to give in to the storm...
    i thought the imagery of this piece, though definitly not dominant, was rather nice...just enough to let me imagine but not too much for me to think you tried to hard...
    all in all i have nothing to complain about.
    | Posted on 2006-07-10 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      That is really something. An excellent portrayal of a woman frozen in the awful state she was left in. This made me feel cold, empty, and alone... and I'm not the kind of person who breaks easily. I may shed tears, but this affected my physical being. Very vivid... whew.
    thanks for shaking it up... something different and well done
    Jessica
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know why but I remember reading this exact thing before. Have you posted this for the second time? Anyways, no harm in commenting again. I think this story would be better in the form of a story, not a poem. I am not saying that a poem can not have a story, but the flow gets difficult to maintain and this makes the reader [at least my self] lose some interest in the write. Despite that, however, this was a good take on the sad love story [you can't get enough of those]. This had a powerful message and was depressingly enjoyable to read. Thanks for sharing and I hope you take a look at a write of mine. Thanks

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful story told in such a depressing scene. Makes me think of that one scene in the ring where the mother is on the side of the cliff and jumps off, don't know why it just does. Very nice write though, flowed perfectly and the color seemed perfect. I was watching this like a movie in my mind. An old black and white movie... I don't know though, it just seems beautiful but so sad. Keep up and you could make it huge. Great job Jess, love it.

    - Kyle
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this poem alot. Very clear and focused, a very nice work.
    | Posted on 2006-07-09 00:00:00 | by dischordedwill | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW!! I thought this was really feeling. I liked all the detail. It made me feel like I was the woman on the pier. I have felt like that so many times.
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by Mythicalfrog | [ Reply to This ]
      I Really liked the association of life and turmoil represented in a storm.
    Visually beuitiful
    Could have used more or less elaboration
    It fell right in the middle,
    I thought it was great
    Thank You!!
    Twice
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Twice | [ Reply to This ]


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