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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love Epitomizeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rask
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 56/34/14
    Words: 302
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1876
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2087



    Description:
       Written from thought/emotions/experiences... the rhyming scheme is rather weird so is the structure. Not consistant at all, but I'm working on breaking free from that shell-- I think I'm doing an okay job. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove Epitomizeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Love Epitomized

    The poetry that flows from you eyes
    Darkened, saddened;
    Laced with years of sorrow
    When I can't feel you,
    See you, hold you,
    It seems that tomorrow
    Will never show

    Atleast, not the tomorrow
    Where in bed we may lay
    Apart from our emotions
    And the passing time; may we die
    To never feel the light upon our faces
    The windows boarded,
    Our eyes averted
    From each others gazes

    Artificial, like the working machines
    May we seem
    Outside our utopia;
    To glow, steam and lie
    Making our imperfections appear
    Much more perfect when,
    Alone in passion
    We ache to feel each others defections.

    But with this lust
    A whole spectrum of devotion is revealed
    From beneath my skirt and between the beats of my heart
    Where upon the blank pages
    Shall we inscribe our history, through our eyes we may start
    In all it's purity and wholesome truth;
    Our lives will be written down, starting here
    And ending with our never returning youth.

    Designed through and through,
    Flawlessly admirable;
    Everyone's dream to be enjoyed by such a presence
    My days will never be half full
    One day lost,
    Is a day without you

    People say love can't be seen,
    [Nor can it take a molecular form]
    But you, my dear
    Are love carved pure and chaste;
    Your every curve,
    The scars upon your face

    Your eyes glaze in disbelief
    As I admire your fingers and teeth
    In this haven, you have nothing to fear;
    For I will not judge you, my dear
    With ample time, and plenty to review
    It seems as if we'll never get through
    But through your eyes--
    That looking glass I see
    Everything about myself I've always defied
    Imperfection is perfection
    When viewed by the wise.




    Submitted on 2006-05-07 00:53:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I want to make a suggestion. When I read this passionate, intelligent and ably written poem, I noticed that in it are numerous ideas for single little poems of the compressed sort that injects the reader with just one proposition or trope; but it is one that is so provoking and full of implications that the poem is unforgettable and the reader is grateful to have read it. Now ... Love Epitomized is a major effort of your own but it is too privately your own to sell well amongst attention-deficient airheads like me. But we are exactly the fools who badly need to get your messages. My suggested solution is as follows. If you were to do a second stage of its life by writing the various little poems that this larger poem can bud off, then you would be getting into an advanced phase of artistic work, the phase of cultural giving which depends a lot on the calculated & cunning use of poets' crafts. Doing this is difficult emotionally in many ways; but that is what artists do: craftwork with emotionally difficult topics, teasing out and packaging the hidden consciousness & expression for the benefit & delight of readers. I like this workshop here because you got readers all right, so that it's worth the grind, there is some reward, to develop one's craftwork! What started this spiel was that I feel this poem isn't exactly a reader's poem for me: it's more of a dense essay that I needed to study without getting pulled along by flashy artwork. Many great poets have the same problem with me - as if they gave a damn! But anyway them's my honest thoughts here.
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting Rask, I liked this. This was my fav stanza

    People say love can't be seen,
    [Nor can it take a molecular form]
    But you, my dear
    Are love carved pure and chaste;
    Your every curve,
    The scars upon your face

    There is nothing I would change in this. Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.

    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece speak to me. At times I found it lost me attention perhaps because it was competing with me eat chips with pinto de gallo.
    Oh well in any case this poem places you well beyond your age. Age is just a number anyway, but I wish when I was younger i would have been as wise as you are it would have helped. I particularly enjoyed these parts:
    "but with this lust
    A whole spectrum of devotion is revealed
    From beneath my skirt and between the beats of my heart"

    "People say love can't be seen,
    [Nor can it take a molecular form]"

    "Your eyes glaze in disbelief
    As I admire your fingers and teeth
    In this haven, you have nothing to fear;"

    The third part I selected made me feel embarassed. My eyes probably wouldn't glaze indisbelief but I'm more timid. I'd blush and turn away enjoying the attention but feeling unworthy of it's extravagance.

    The from beneath my skirt really worked for me because well most poets are very sexual people. And with the between beats of my heart you give it sort of the rhythm of sex and a nice internal rhyme.

    The second verse i selected because I just thought you should see the Movie entitlt "what the bleep do we know/" It is a documentory that touches very lightly on quantum mechanics but also of the influence of consciousness and energy.
    Last but not least thanks for reading Feminine side ache reinterated. In the first one I make fun of myslef for my run on sentences. The truth is I suck at grammar; I never learned it. I also wrote the last part stream of consoius so I knew it was rough. Thanks peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, this was a beautiful piece. I know I should probably be giving suggestions on how to make it better, but really I like it just the way it is. Good flow and well thought out, it did not even have to rhyme to be perfect. There are VERY few on this site who I consider Elite and quite frankly mi'dear, you fit in the steroetype nicely. You are quite insightful and that is a wonderful trait;never lose it. Keep it up, hun! I really look foreward to reading more of your work.

    -Red
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by LongPastDead | [ Reply to This ]
      Bravo!! I really love this poem...oh what lust/love does to a person...i myself have never felt love..but lust..oh my...it hurts...

    My favorite lines are..
    "But with this lust
    A whole spectrum of devotion is revealed
    From beneath my skirt and between the beats of my heart
    Where upon the blank pages
    Shall we inscribe our history, through our eyes we may start
    In all it's purity and wholesome truth;
    Our lives will be written down, starting here
    And ending with our never returning youth.
    "It seems as if we'll never get through
    But through your eyes--
    That looking glass I see
    Everything about myself I've always defied
    Imperfection is perfection
    When viewed by the wise.
    "

    So, so beautiful!!

    Your poem is lovely...keep up the good work!!

    Love
    XxStephxX <333
    And especially these lines
    "
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Eternal Orgasm | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece was really really affecting, a few of your lyrics remind me of things i sometimes feel though if its rude to ask im sorry....

    Did you take on another view for the writing when you said "But you, my dear
    Are love carved pure and chaste;
    Your every curve," ? Imean it sounds as though you are speaking toward a woman, or did you write this "autobiographically"...I know i must sound liek a creep but one way or another i can relate to it better if i knew...
    sorry for any discomfort...-Anya (FarawayFeelings)
    | Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by FarawayFeelings | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, I loved this piece, and you have no problem in here with you're structure. I didn't really even notice a hint of a rhyme scheme, so you don't have to worry about that.

    The only thing I'd change is I'd get rid of this stanza,

    "Atleast, not the tomorrow
    Where in bed we may lay
    Apart from our emotions
    And the passing time; may we die
    To never feel the light upon our faces
    The windows boarded,
    Our eyes averted
    From each others gazes"

    It makes it seem like the two characters are at odds, hateing each other...Then the rest of the poem goes into how they love each other and can't bare to be apart from one another.

    I guess it was too quick of a jump for me. If you wanted, you could even throw in another stanza after the one I previously mentioned to further explain the transition between hate and love.

    I aboslutely loved this stanza,
    "Artificial, like the working machines
    May we seem
    Outside our utopia;
    To glow, steam and lie
    Making our imperfections appear
    Much more perfect when,
    Alone in passion
    We ache to feel each others defections."
    I don't really know why, except I think it just flowed wonderfully.


    Really great job, Don't let anyone tell you you have issues with flow or form:)

    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]


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    102125

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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