The Nightmare! by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: The Nightmare! dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	121

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	183
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	783

Description:
My nightmare that now seems more like home than the real world does at times. At least i always know what to expect.

The Nightmare! dots

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I stand atop a mound of rotting death,
The smell so strong, it halts my breath.
Decappitated bodies beneath my feet,
A million people here, one heart beat.

A surreal world where devils rejoice,
A place where angels can have no voice,
God has no place here, in this sea of souls,
Evil left to pursue its own twisted goals.

A baron place where nothing is clear,
This region, I alone must walk in fear.
Through broken bones and shattered dreams,
Left solitary to drown in my illicit screams.

Although this world is grim and foul,
I often enjoy my nightly prowl.
It offers silence and I feel secure,
Because it's the real world of which i'm unsure.

Submitted on 2006-05-07 12:31:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I likrd the first stanza but I feel the religous topic in the piece seems to drag it down. It's always easier to focus on the negetive but the possitive is a better choice. "whatever we meditate on so we become. The broken bones and shattered dreams make me want to scream illicitly. I realize that you were going for the rhyme of every two lines but I find this structure often makes it hard to muster an indepth description. Right now this is a depiction of the world rotting and cold with ice-olation underlying. I really don't have a probleem with your perspective it is the same as many people chose to employ and it is your own, but I would personally like it if you went more into depth. You touch on the untouchabilty of this foul world but I would like to see more detail. Gret use of the word prowl it complments the overall feel of the piece.
peace
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  Some useful crits offered already. Work on those technicalities and I'm sure you message will come through with more impact. I would also be inclined to look at moving away from rhymed couplets to offer the appearance of variety and take attention away from the rhyme. So instead of an aabbccdd etc rhyme scheme you could go abba etc.

peace

DB
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I think Haldir makes some good points here, CS. On top of what he says, though, I think your meter is rough. I think you may want to go through each line and maybe start by counting syllables. If you can start there, then I think a stronger meter will evolve and from there the poem will get stronger and easier to read. Right now it feels a bit too loose. As you continue to learn about poetry, you'll find that rhyme without a strong meter tends to turn people off and looks incomplete.
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  'Heartbeat' is a compound word (as shown) and 'decapitated' has one p (as shown). I believe you were looking for 'barren' not 'baron', as a baron is a member of the nobility. I would reword the second line of the third stanza to say: 'This region I must walk alone if fear'. Capitalize the 'I' in 'I'm'.

The third line if the first stanza, the last line in the second stanza, the last line in the third stanza, and the second line in the fourth stanza have odd rhythms compared to the rest of the poem. I think the words are too big, and put the stress on different syllables in the line.

This seems like a pretty mundane religious poem, or at least a mundane depressed poem. Basically, evil is all over and there is no hope left. Not particularly clever imagery.

On the other hand, it had a strong rhythm and rhyme throughout. Most poets are rejecting that sort of stuff nowadays, but I like it. And because you weren't afraid to use it, I like you.

-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]

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