My last fall by jslbabygirl101

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Submission Name: My last fall dots

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Author:	jslbabygirl101
ASL Info:	18/f/ga
Elite Ratio:	2.35 - 76/82/49
Words:	99

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	148
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	547

Description:
Yet another inspiration by a mysterious friend...

My last fall dots

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While falling in between these lines;
it made me think of you,
I have fallen way to much to pay these penalty fines;
just because you are thinking it doesn't mean it is true.

Once again I fall from thee;
I see the grace upon which you smile,
but I will not pay your penalty;
just to hear your voice for a while.

To only see your face once more;
would there be a price I pay?
since your the one I adore;
then leaves me left with nothing to say.

Submitted on 2006-05-07 18:27:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Ahh, a nice work of poetry you have here, I must say.

There are some elements to it that could be a bit better, but as I am not sure which writers enjoy 'Constructive criticism', I will be a bit kinder my first few times critiquing an individual's work.

That though, does not mean everything I say will be praise, because genuinely there are only a few poets altogether that earn that. And those few are not on this website. They are famous.

I like this poem, that is after a quick glance through. I still have to read it one more time before I entirely critique. Until then though, I found one thing that desperately needs fixed.

'I have fallen way to much to pay these penalty fines;'
~too.....................^
-For some reason more and more people are not correctly using those different forms of two, to, and too. Whether it is a simple typo or someone just doesn't know how to use them, this normally bugs me a lot. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say it is a typo.

Now... I have read the first stanza over again, and found that the rhythm is really a mess.
'While falling in between these lines;
it made me think of you,
I have fallen way to much to pay these penalty fines;
just because you are thinking it doesn't mean it is true.'
~That last line should be something like this... 'Even though you're thinking, that doesn't mean it's true.'
That flows better.

The word choice could be better. It is not bad, but it can be improved. Penalty and pay are used multiple times, and believe me, the thesaurus definitely has better words for those. Some of the rhyming also seems a bit forced, but it is not all that bad.

'since your the one I adore;
then leaves me left with nothing to say'
Due to the fact that you used punctuation throughout the rest of the poem 'since' should be capitalized. No offense, but what the hell is that last line supposed to say. It is the last line in the poem, and not a very strong line to begin with. It also makes no sense. I am not sure what happened there. Makes me feel like you were called down for dinner and had to run so you did not get grounded.

All around though, this is a pretty powerful poem with a lot of meaning behind it, well from my standing. Parts of it make me feel like you are missing this 'mysterious friend', and other parts make me feel like you are talking about how love treats you and that you can't seem to break away from it.

I really like it, so hopefully you don't take offense to my comments. I apologize in advance if I do offend you. Nice work on this.

-Love's Enmity
| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Love_s Enmity | [ Reply to This ]

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