Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shadows=======================dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jslbabygirl101
    ASL Info:    18/f/ga
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 76/82/49
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 929
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 468



    Description:
       Dancing the night away.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadows=======================dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Do you see the shadows;
    of you on the wall?
    or does it disappear,
    when the sun shines through the windows.

    Do you dance alone at night;
    and ignore a pretty girl?
    who only wants to be loved;
    by her friends and treate right.

    When you know what she wants and know you can be of a help;
    do you fade away to shadows,
    and leave her by herself;
    or do you take her by her hand?




    Submitted on 2006-05-07 19:01:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Simple and clean. Sweet. Magic. A real feeling from inside out, beautifully depicted.
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by Tania A. | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooh... same person I just commented... Miss has the same name I had.

    I think I like this poem even more. This one is pure excellence. I love the mood of the story. Parts of it take my breath away. Made me think of a good memory. I have a husband of three years now. We started dating at age 14. His family is big in bowling, and he has a bunch of trophies from when he was on the league. We were at a place called Sim's. It's a bowling alley. Being at such a young age, which you probably know... we wanted time alone. Well this one night, it was around eight pm. He led me up to one of his favorite places. It was raining, and I love being in the rain. It was really dark, and there is this passageway that leads right to the outside of Sim's at the upper end of the parking lot next to the roof of the bowling alley. It was a moonlit night with a clear sky full of stars. We just stood there slow dancing. It was awesome, and so romantic. I will remember that forever.

    Thanks for bringing back that wonderful memory.

    Now, onto your poem.

    'Do you see the shadows;
    of you on the wall?
    or does it disappear,
    when the sun shines through the windows.'
    ~Hm, common mistake. Semicolons represent a change of though. 'of you on the wall' is not a complete though, thus leave the punctuation completely out. It is perfectly fine without it, and actually much more correct. :)

    'Do you dance alone at night;
    and ignore a pretty girl?
    who only wants to be loved;
    by her friends and treate right.'
    ~Same with this one. Except you should replace that semicolon after night with a comma. And 'who only wants to be loved;' should be changed to start a new sentence. Such as...
    'She only wants to be loved
    by her friends and treated right.'
    ...............................^ I changed that when I retyped it... it's just a typo, no worries.

    I love the setting of this poem. I also love dancing, especially slow dancing. That could have something to do with my loving it so much. You create a mood that gives the reader your point of view, and that is the best thing about poetry.(according to me anyway ;) )

    I like the rhyme scheme of abca abca abac...
    even if you did not mean to make it like that. It sounds good. I just love this poem, it is really well written. Even if there are a few things that could be fixed to make it better, it is still great!

    -Zoey
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Love_s Enmity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    102189

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry