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myself A TANKA


Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 61
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1088
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 398



Description:




myself A TANKA



To see my lover
I've gone a thousand miles
and came back alone.

To find my true self
I've asked a thousand questions
and found more questions.

To find inner peace
i have had to close my eyes
and turn off the noise.

I then found myself
and my true love came to me.
inner peace stayed too.




Submitted on 2006-05-08 19:40:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This tanka is really well constructed, and the feelings and pointers are openings to depths that are well worht to dwell in.
My only suggestion to making this better is in the second 'stanza'. Insted of:
"To find my true self
I've asked a thousand questions
and found more questions."

I suggest:
"To find my true self
I've asked a thousand questions
and found even more."

That way you do not need to repeat 'question' and the coherens of the last line, is pointing at questions, so no meaning is lost - I jsut think it is a bit more eloquent, but still it is only a suggestion.

All the best,
-tZar
| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this so much better! You did a great job with this one! I think that you pretty much captured what I felt was missing from the other one. This was very good and it flowed much better. Way to go! Good work.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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