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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Title Wanteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 38
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 996
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 283



    Description:
       i decided to revise this when i read the feedback. like the third commenter said, feelings can be cut off. just like i feel right now, totally cut off from everything and life itself. it hurts so much and the short lines are also a result of me feeling cut off, or cut short from everything. also, i think it does flow just fine, i dont really know why it wouldnt, if u look through my poems, most of them flow, and follow a specific rhythm of some sort.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTitle Wanteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hurt to pieces
    Broken to tears
    Deathlike silences
    To rid the fears

    Blood to wash
    The sins away
    Friends do nothing
    But betray

    Hiding in the
    Streets of blame
    Turning down the
    Streets of shame




    Submitted on 2006-05-09 14:35:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Huh. Well, it'sl kind of angsty, but it's intelligent at least.

    "Blood to wash the sins away"
    Good use of an ancient religious metaphor- the narrator becomes her own salvation, in a different way.

    "Hiding in the streets of blame"

    is one I don't get... simply because it's hard to hide in blame, so perhaps trying to hide, or running through the streets of blame.

    "Turning down the streets of shame" is fine: that's what the actions described will lead to. There's truth in your expression: that's always good.

    However, the easy rhymes and short stanzas made it... very sing-song. Not sure if that's what you want.

    Hmm... I thought I'd comment on this one since it said "title wanted" and I'm having trouble with mine... but I really can't be of any help with that, sorry, i'm not yr savior... i am just as [censored]ed as you... and i'm worse at french, too, but eh, whatever.

    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm...I liked the thought in it, but i dont think it flowed that well. For a title, I may suggest something like Streets of Shame, which was right out of your poem. I really like that line and I think i t would make a good title. peace.
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this was good, some may say it was cut to soon, but I think you let them know what you felt and sometimes feelings are stopped short.
    I think the most wonderful thing about writing is that as long as it means something to you it was there for its purpose and was complete in its whole.
    Now you just write till you feel better.

    Until next read

    Denise
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Catrina, I mean, I like this peace, but where is the rest of it, it's like delivering a huge build up then being like "you're cut off." although i found comfort in the simplicity and the straight forward aproach, so over all, it's good. but maybe next time, a few more lines, it might even help you a bit more?

    jetpilot
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by JetPilot | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good. Whereas I llike short lines, I felt yours seemed rather imcomplete to me. But you conveyed your thought just fine. The flow good, a little iffy in stanza 2 when you compare it to the rest. The message was clear, it seemed the person here was just down in the dumps. Overall, this was good.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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