Sometimes you don't need a lot of length in a poem in order to make it complete. Simplicity can at times be the biggest statement made....you show that you are clear with your thoughts and you have bundled them up and condensed them.
Very impacting. I agree with the others on the power of this one. It was pretty deep....and had a darkness to it.
Of concrete and stone Remains our heart. Chalked full of memories lost And emotions never shown; Outside these walls, Departs us from reality.
This poem sounds like its speaking of everyone that has ever walked in the footsteps of man. Though short you did a great job, that's what I think, its not the length but the message you convey. In my personal view and I could be wrong, because I am not the writer of this poem. Every person is held hostage within their own mask concealing them behind stone and leaving them protected. From what is the question? You answer it as the heart. The heart is protected because it is incased in an unbreakable stone that holds all the memories that it has ever possesed and all the emotions that will never be put to light. And it states that staying hidden behind these walls protects the body, soul , mind spirit and especially the heart from the harsh reality that it tries so hard to stay away from. Of course that's just my opinion.
The part" departs us from reality doesn't seem to fit with the tense the rest of the poem is in. It just seems akward to me. Other than that minor issue I like it I especially like the use of chalked full of memories lost because chalked made me think of chalk lines an emotional homicide or invoulentary manslaughter. Nice not bad for a shorter write. I suck at grammar so I could be wrong but upon reading it seeral times I just cna't get that part to fit properly when read. Departing from reality? or we depart from reality. i think the main issue is that in that sentence their is no specific subject to depart us from reality. peace
There is nothing wrong with a short poem, as long as it is complete, and I think it is. You said what you want to, it sounds good and your wording is good, like.. chalked full of memories lost.. and the title is really good as well, it really got my attention. It makes me think of myself really, a person with a whole world apart from what she shows to others, maybe afraid to show herself. My first thought was actually that it was about two persons, loving eachother, but do not tell so.. I'd like to have your own idea still. nice write,
hmmm interesting for a shorter write, my newest one is shorter then most but sometimes a few words sum it up perfectly. I think this one was complete as is, it wouldn't be bad with more, but you had alot of emotion and meaning in such few words and I"m really impressed. I loved this one and I'll be looking forward to reading many more from you soon, take care, jess
I agree with Thirst... short and sweet not to over done and not to out there as not to understand what you where saying... i liked the way you put this all down and let it take on a life of its own... very blunt and to the point which is what i like to read lol... lovely write... Love and Light Archer
Short and sweet, interpersonality, and intravert. Thats what i get. Someone who gets their personality from themselves not influenced by others just a person who need to be with themselves inorder to work or function. very melincolic personality, good wright keep it up ...
Hey its my first time reading your work ...first poem i clicked on when i came here and i have never been into really short poems but you changed my point of view on them .....could i ask you something..how did you capture so much into so little? Poetry can be so many things short or long love or hate life or death but they must have emotion must have passion and must make me feel if it doesnt its not poetry its just words but that love you speak about i felt it i use to share that love with somebody and i guess one of us stepped out of the walls whilst the other stayed in hurt me alot and everything took my heart with her i keep seeing that image of someone walking away from those walls and the picture is so vivid you have a unique talent this was original cause i havent seen anything like this ever you are amazing and you better write more cause ill be back......thank you.
Damn. Your message was like huge and powerful kinda like a shotgun blow to the chest, thats what it felt like. It was so... like deep and like can speak out to every person on this planet because you go like deep into a person's mind and show whats going on. And I like that it was short, mostly cause i can go over each line without making a long ass comment, like I usually do.
I like that you separated the first line from the rest. This stands out on its own and is a million times more powerful like this than if you put it together with the rest of the poem. Also, i've read other poems and the way they always say they feel is the usual and clichéd "trapped" or something like that. I like that you said it differently and made it a refreshing start and I was able to get into it right away.
"Of concrete and stone Remains our heart."
I like these lines a lot because in here you make your poem feel like a prison. But because of the words like concrete and stone and your tone how it sounds kinda like medieval, you make this prison very gloomy, like those deep dark dungeons under castles where criminals were condemned in the middle ages, creepy. I loved those lines, they made the poem feel kinda more desparate like you're begging to be let out.
"Chalked full of memories lost And emotions never shown;"
These lines here, show what that dungeon is full of. How you hold everything inside, all those memories even the bad ones, even ones that you kinda forgot but still know you had in your subconcious. Also, I've heard the second line a lot and even its been used way too much, here it fits perfectly and goes wit the tone and language of the poem. It just fits together like a puzzle.
"Outside these walls, Departs us from reality.
This last lines took me awhile to understand and even now I dont think I have the right understanding, I think I need to read more. Anyway, the message I got was how sometimes people can hold everything in so much, especially those memories that they begin to believe them, and when the person is let loose into the world, he or she is living in a made up reality. I loved those last lines. Kinda leaves you thinking bout this. Just the way I liked it. Damn, I looked but I dont think I can find anything wrong with it, maybe make the last two lines a little more understandable for stupid people like me, Other than that, this was perfect. I'm adding it to my fav list. Peace, Neo