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(Untitled)


Author: Nessus
Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 3 /10 /6
Words: 127
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1002
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 709



Description:


need title any Suggestions?


(Untitled)



In the face of death I shiver
In the face of love I cry
In the face of joy I quiver
I�m really not sure why

In the face of loss I hollow
In the face of fear I crumble
In the face of pain I wallow
In the face of hope I stumble

My heart has given up on me
I know no longer when
Hope I can no longer see
In women or in men

So now I sit and stare
Into the grim visage of life
And scratch and rip and tear
In this world of endless strife

Please may no other be
Left alone to sit and moan
All having abandoned thee
Just to sit die alone




Submitted on 2006-05-09 19:58:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  wow. the imagery in this was beautiful, and the emotional response it evoked in the reader was powerful. I TRULY felt for u, as well as felt what you were feeling.
The only suggestions I have are as follows
1) punctuation- add commas occasionally to let the readers know which parts are connected
2) check ur rhythm in some lines... you seem to have a specific meter going, but just when it starts to get regular, there is a line that doesnt have the same rhythm... try reading it outloud and see if that makes it feel any different to you.
THINGS I LOVED!
1) the way u broke it up into stanzas, it really made it clear that u wanted these things to be seperate, and the transition from one stanza to the next was really great and made it easy for me to follow
2) the subject matter. you're an emotional, passionate person. and i got to see that through this poem. therefore, u were successful.
3) the rhyme. none of it seemed forced or young, it was just beautiful...
great write, keep it up jack!
love,
Jenn @>->-
| Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by CutMeDeeper | [ Reply to This ]


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