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Description:
need title any Suggestions?
(Untitled)
In the face of death I shiver In the face of love I cry In the face of joy I quiver I�m really not sure why In the face of loss I hollow In the face of fear I crumble In the face of pain I wallow In the face of hope I stumble My heart has given up on me I know no longer when Hope I can no longer see In women or in men So now I sit and stare Into the grim visage of life And scratch and rip and tear In this world of endless strife Please may no other be Left alone to sit and moan All having abandoned thee Just to sit die alone |
Submitted on 2006-05-09 19:58:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| wow. the imagery in this was beautiful, and the emotional response it evoked in the reader was powerful. I TRULY felt for u, as well as felt what you were feeling. The only suggestions I have are as follows 1) punctuation- add commas occasionally to let the readers know which parts are connected 2) check ur rhythm in some lines... you seem to have a specific meter going, but just when it starts to get regular, there is a line that doesnt have the same rhythm... try reading it outloud and see if that makes it feel any different to you. THINGS I LOVED! 1) the way u broke it up into stanzas, it really made it clear that u wanted these things to be seperate, and the transition from one stanza to the next was really great and made it easy for me to follow 2) the subject matter. you're an emotional, passionate person. and i got to see that through this poem. therefore, u were successful. 3) the rhyme. none of it seemed forced or young, it was just beautiful... great write, keep it up jack! love, Jenn @>->- | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by CutMeDeeper | [ Reply to This ] | |
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