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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bubbles of Vanilla Creamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Desi
    Elite Ratio:    3.88 - 210/151/34
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1096
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 541



    Description:
       My inspiration, a bath in bubble bath called Vanilla Cream....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBubbles of Vanilla Creamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Last night I submerged myself in bubbles of vanilla cream.

    Tired in body and mind, from all the violence, shame, war and pain that will always be the same, if people refuse to change.

    Now cleansed and adrift in dreams of a world full of hopes and dreams.

    Free from all that used to be....
    Free from blame....
    Free from shame....
    Free from the pain that remained....
    Free to be how I want it to be.....

    Adrift in dreams, on Bubbles of Vanilla Cream.....




    Submitted on 2004-05-10 12:07:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Mmm, somehow just using the word "vanilla" is enough to get one a bit more relaxed. This, for me, gives a really relaxed vibe of just succumbing to the vanilla-y-ness of the bubbles. It is so good to be free and you can really see it here. Although I admit, it does get a *bit* choppy, I still adore the message of this poem.

    Thanks for sharing! :)

    --Esha
    | Posted on 2011-01-06 00:00:00 | by EshyFishy | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the repetition of "free" in the fourth stanza and speaking of stanzas, i think it might work better as a poem if you divide the first three lines into more distinct lines such as "Tired in body and mind,/ from all the violence, /shame, /war /and pain /that will always be the same, /if people refuse to change." that might be a bit choppy, but the general idea was to break down the long thought into smaller more easily digestable ones. lastly, since you repeat the title of the poem twice within the poem, i think keeping it as the title is a bit redundant. i like the repetition within the poem, but perhaps using the title as a lead into the poem would work to your advantage?
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]
      the image i get is one of sweetness. to me anyway, vanilla is an utterly feminine scent... that implies acceptance and understanding.

    | Posted on 2004-05-22 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      take me away calgon...should the first line say submerged instead of emerged? this actually is
    a different subject which is much welcomed...it could be more powerful if it wasn't superficially written...
    | Posted on 2004-05-10 00:00:00 | by pestiferous | [ Reply to This ]
      Being that vanilla ice cream is my favorite I had to read this work. I like this one. It reminds me of childhood (ice cream does). It made me thnk back and remember childhood and the wonderful things my imagination use to cook up.
    | Posted on 2004-05-10 00:00:00 | by Primal | [ Reply to This ]
      a new simple subject cool, some of the rhyming looked predictable like Shame, Pain, Remained (it might of just been me) but I liked reading it. Im a bubble bath freak , lol. Nice Job Keep Writting.
    | Posted on 2004-05-10 00:00:00 | by Exodus Night Sky | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, now i want to go home and take a nice hot bubble bath! yea! i love baths. when i'm depressed, i will often have a 3-bath day. this was a great little rhyme. i like how you expressed wanting to get away from all the war and hate and be cleansed and adrift in a more positive world. write on! i'm off to bathe!
    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the idea of this piece. The cleansing in and out. I think maybe you could do some wording changes, but I don't have any specific ideas. I think you could dig a little deeper into yourself, your emotions. I don't like the repetition of "adrift in dreams" I hope to see a rewrite, but I like this nonetheless :)
    | Posted on 2004-05-10 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]


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