Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sacrificedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darkstar9500
    ASL Info:    18/male/Missouri
    Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 39/56/19
    Words: 319
    Class/Type: Misc/Death
    Total Views: 954
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1950



    Description:
       I have no idea what this is anyway. I just needed to get this out. I've suffered so much just so she can be happy. And I continue to try. No one seems to see my suffering. I don't care what happens to me as long as she is happy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSacrificedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Wandering through a land
    that is not my own.
    There is no helping hand.
    I am all alone.

    The sky is red
    like my runing blood.
    The ground is black
    like my dark soul.

    No soft soil for my bare feet.
    Only jagged rocks that cut down deep.
    No soft breeze to cool my sweat.
    Only blazing heat that burns my head.

    Walking along the blood marks my trail.
    I stop looking around for my goal.
    I see her sitting on a tree stump.
    I hurry along attempting to avoid more pain.
    But soon I'll learn that it's all in vain.
    My feet are raw now.
    I take another step and another.
    A rock pierces through the flesh and bone.
    Screaming for pain that no one hears.
    Falling falling thinking that I am done.
    A cut cuts my head from side to side.
    My stomach is pieced by thousands of knives.
    I look up dazed by all the pain.
    Her radiant smile calls me forth.
    I struggle to get up. I can't
    Laying there letting my blood run free.
    A blanket of blood reminds me of the goal.
    Crawling on my stomach
    The cold stone digging
    Trying to get more to drink.
    My hand is pieced through flesh and bone.
    Screams of anguish fill my head.
    Never to leave my mouth.
    I roll over out of pain.
    A rock got to greedy and went for the heart
    of my life and of my pain.
    I can feel nothing.
    I look to see the rock greeting my face.
    Drinking all my life away.
    I look up to see her.
    I'm right where I have been.
    That smile. My love.
    I am tired. I need to rest.
    I will reach her.
    Then she will be happy that she isn't alone.
    I push away the greedy rock.
    To continue my journey.
    I will get there.
    Someday.




    Submitted on 2006-05-10 13:24:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Being taken for granted or being forced to yield ones true feelings? It seemed to me more like feelings were being repressed because the other party didn't believe they were truely there or didn't want to believe. The whole "You are too good for me" bit seems to run through my head. But either way you are forced to submit to where ever the other party has placed you because the feelings are too strong to ignore. Although, there is always the possibility that the other part honestly has no idea what is going on. In which case it is best to be straightforward and rather blunt, get your point across, let them know what is really going on, make them listen. No one should be able to cripple you with one little glance. Yet people have that power...some use it often, others nearly never, but you need to pull yourself up, smile, and try your best to make things better for you. Because your happiness is also important.

    The imagery was delightful, I loved it. It painted very vivid pictures in my mind. The whole time I see the girl sitting on the tree stump, smiling absently, like she doesn't really know what is happening around her.

    Have a wonderful day,
    Krazy (Bonnie)
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this poem is very powerful......Its full of so mch REAL emotion. I loved it Rick. You are such a good writer, good person, you are so good....you deserve soooooo much better. I hope you get through this. If you need a little push I am here. I loved how you used so much imagery to make it so realistic and visual to the reader. Nice job.

    ~Chirstina
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good write
    However
    I do agree with Maggie that this write would have a little more impact if you didnt force the rhymes
    Enjoyed reading this
    I look forward to reading more of your writes
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece. I think that if you were to not rhyme this, it would flow so much better. I feel the pain and the boderline anger of being taken for granted here. Nice use of imagery. I suggest that you restructure this and create a better flow. Overall, nice work.

    Trina
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    102638

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry