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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Infinitely shortdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1007
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 465



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInfinitely shortdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The beauty of every diamond
    The charm of every princess
    The blessing of every angel
    The gift of every cherub

    The whole of my life
    The start of me
    The end and middle
    The saturation of every love

    My fight to live
    My fear of death
    My struggle to flourish
    My sapling of immortality

    Revealed, sealed, in
    Your first
    Your last
    Your only breath




    Submitted on 2006-05-10 20:48:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      sometimes simple is good...big vocabulary doesn't always make a poem good, in fact it often hinders the flow of the reading...

    although i like metaphor, and clever phrasing...a love poem should flow...
    this does...

    and it is not too short at all...less is more more often than not...

    you have compacted this into a short jab that works well in a repertoire of poetic punches...

    i liked. very romantic...and i'm an incurable one.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know about everyone else but I liked this poem. There will always be things to fix, people will always find a flaw in your words or in the way you say things. I don't like to fix on the mistakes, I like to see the meaning behind your poem. In my opinion, it was good. I thought that everything expressed here tied well with the title, everything that occurs in life is infinetly short. Nothing last forever with the first breath came a second breath and with the last breath came another journey. Charm and beauty are infinetly short and because of that we cherish it. I will never forget Achilles (played by Brad Pitt) in Troy "I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." I put total faith in that quote. I am not a religious person, I am agnostic yet this quote is so beautiful and I believe that it truly touches on your poem. Because everything is infinetly short, because whatever we have now, beauty and love, may not love lost we cherish it more because at any moment it might be lost.

    Thanks for sharing your poem. I truly enjoyed it.
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      This was short, and well I can't say I thought very highly of it, well, the first half at least. I'm sure it has a meaning to you, and I dont want to offend, only offer humble suggestions to better help you out. But this is a good work I guess when you take a step back and view it, just could be a bit more 'fleshed' out. For instance:

    "The beauty of every diamond
    The charm of every princess
    The blessing of every angel
    The gift of every cherub"

    It has the basics of a good stanza but has many common words of imagery, and I'm not saying never use these words but sometimes it enhances a piece ten-fold to add on to such terms; try something like:

    "The chershed beauty of every diamond glistening
    The innocent charm of every exotic princess
    The holy blessing of every angelic creature
    The eternal gift of every cherub"

    But I did enjoy these stanza's:

    "My fight to live
    My fear of death
    My struggle to flourish
    My sapling of immortality
    Revealed, sealed, in
    Your first
    Your last
    Your only breath"

    They were quite good, a deeper message is sent, and this is just all in all better poetry. Maybe you were on the phone while writing the first half, or didn't have your thesaurus/brain on hand but, thes econd half makes up for it so. I guess good work! Thank for sharing.

    And when you get a chance please read and review my work, just I'd appreciate your honest opinion of what you think. Thank you!
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this, i thought it was simple with its word choice except for cherub which seemed to stick out amongst the other words. Flows very well, the structure is thourough throughout. My other complaint is the one word that sticks out "cherub", i dont know if you did this on purpose but i feel that maybe another word fit much better and greatly improve this write. Please dont think that im knocking your write it was actually quite good, i just thought i would give my oppinion on that one word.
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by xXxNichexXx | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very nice. I really ove the title you got on here. I felt it when with the write hand in hand. I really liked your word choice, made this write flow very smoothly in my opinion.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing. This was indeed a delightful read.
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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