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Mr. Moon Man

Author: thesacredone
ASL Info:    18/F/BK
Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 139 /159 /50
Words: 116
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1107
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 694


Mr. Moon Man

I cry tears lonesome tears
waterfalls of pain, sorrow, lust, deception
and my writs ache
dropping slowly as I cry
I cry tears lonesome tears
I hear my name being called
I see nothing so dark
like nightfall masks of facades of
man in the moon how nice to see you
tears lonesome tears
oh where's the sun to dry me
and my wrists ache so bad
make it stop, mr. moon man
oh sun come out and
dry up the crimson creeks
so cold and dark
hi there mr. moon man
why so sad
oh hello sun
no tears no lonesome tears
and my river dried up like a sea in the desert

Submitted on 2006-05-10 21:06:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Nice. I think that this was sad and very deep. I think that maybe you should not be so repetitive with the lines about lonesome tears and the wrist aching. It killed the flow and seemed to make it seem as if this was whiny and it is not. I think also you may want to speak more about why you are hurting. Overall this was good, just needs a bit of revising.

| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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