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paint a picture

Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 178
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 749
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1171


paint a picture

I want to paint a picture
of butterfly kisses
on gentle Sunday mornings.
A silver tray,
with a long stemmed rose.
A pot of tea and
A delicate china cup.
I want to paint a picture of
a four poster bed,
satin sheets.
White laced curtains.
The rays of the sun
permeating the room,
shining through the white curtains.
I want to paint a picture of
tender fingers that trace a line
on my shoulder blades.
To return my smile
without unnecessary words.
I want to paint a picture
of calm, of peace and
of a tranquil moment
to look upon when
I'm awakened by the glaring
Sound of my alarm clock.
or the loud angry voices
of my fighting neighbors
Through the thin paper walls of
My apartment.
I rush about, getting ready to
face another day.
Sustained by the image
of gentle Sunday mornings
a delicate china cup of tea.
The scent of a long stemmed rose
the filtered glow of sunlight,
And a simple kiss.

Submitted on 2006-05-11 15:33:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  ooooooh I like this. it definately had a flow to it, and the poem, which was about painting, was so good that it painted the picture in my mind very vividly. other than a few word choice things, this is definately one of the best poems i've read in a while. good jorb.
| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Xochitle15 | [ Reply to This ]
  this was very well written. i loved how you combined your picture world with your actual...i think that at times your picture world is if not as important then more so. Its those pictures that makes the roughness of the actual fade. You brought that out very well.

| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this peice. It's as if the beginning is a day dream of what life should be... serene and beautiful all the time a painted picture. Then you awaken from the daydream and realize that you're still stuck in LIFE. Again, I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good writing.
| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by chrls | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice and gentle, not to purposeful echo sandman, but his words ring true. However I do have a problem with the "run-on" style of sentence structure. I would like to see this broken into stanzas or paragraphs with some more punctuation. I think it might be difficult to read aloud not knowing where to breathe and all. However it is beautifully worded and plesent.

your friend
| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by BenCollier | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really beautfiul and harsh at the same time. It starts out with this absolutely beautiful idea and image, so soft and delicate, but it's not the kind of delicate that can be shattered, more like the kind thats like falling into a blanket, where it curves and forms to new changes.

Then, it gets harsh with the wake up, coming out of the dream. sirens, alarms, yelling, it's really a great opposite to the peaceful scene you'd created before, and fills the reader with a longing to be back in the dream.

The only line I had a problem with was

"permeating the room."

Doesn't permeating usually refer to the sense of smell, not sight? Maybe penetrating would be a better word to use...or maybe that's to harsh of a word...I don't know...

Nice job,

| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
  thanx for your comment on faces cont.
you have to read the first part faces of me and then you will see the thought behind it

thanx for the comment i will be looking to read more of your poetry

| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  this was nice a soft gentle flow
not used to reading something so kind on this site
poetry is a picture made up of thoughts and words and you painted a nice picture
well done

| Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  This does have a nice feel, but I'd proofread this carefully because you have several misspellings (curtain and tranquil). I also think it should be "white lace curtains" instead of "white lace." I'd also check the punctuation because you have periods in some odd places. For example, I don't understand why you have a period in "A silver tray./ with a long stemmed rose."

I'm awakened by the glaring
Sound of my alarm clock.
or the loud angry voices
of my fighting neighbors
Through the too thin, paper walls of
My apartment.

That's another example. Perhaps you could just put the periods at the ends of grammatical sentences because your use of periods just seems random.

I also think I'd say "paper thin walls" or something like that unless they were actually paper (á la Japan).
| Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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