Description: well, you know sometimes you like someone, like really like them and respect them, but they're usually going out with someone else (yeah for like two weeks), just because that person is more hot and good looking. well i'm just bitter about it all. it's happened little too many times.
His Tongue -------------------------------------------
Everyday we live and die a new life
Sparring and shuffling; the fight's called true love
But everything you do cuts like a knife
Through to my heart and the heavens above.
I'm invisible to your pertty eyes
I'm numb to the touch of your dormant hand
I'll convince myself that it's just a lie
But it's not; so I can only stand
In front of you, there but still not quite there.
I want to love you, just to worship you
Your body, your soul, I just want to care
for you; but how can i even know you?
I'll still be there somewhere in your own song
But all you want are his hands and his tongue...
this part here reminds me of that scene in notting hill 'im just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love me' or something to that effect... in some ways thats what the whole piece is about...
it is never fair to be in this position.
it seems all the good ones are taken and it happens all too often.
it is hard to watch someone you adore [or could potentially given the opportunity] want someone else...
theres an old song that has lines that work with this piece...
"pretty woman out walking with gorillas down my street /.../ is she really going out with him? is she really gonna take him home tonight? is she really going out with him? coz if my eyes dont decieve me there is something going on around here"
Great job. I think the flow could use some major shaping up. But the content of this poem is good. I liked your word choice and placement. People should stop judging others by the way they look. It's sad to see that despite all the advancments in this world, this is one thing we have receded in
I really love the last two lines of this. At first i was wondering how the poem fit in with the title, but the last two lines put it all together. I must say that the first line seems a little irrelevent, but i think the rest was right on topic. The fifth line could be written like this, i think it sounds better, "I'm invisible in your pretty eyes." If you don't want to change, that's fine, i just think it sounds better that way. This isn't a favorites addition, but it was very good anyway. Besides that, i think it was a very good poem. Short and straight to the point. ok, i done.
i absolutely love this! talk about story of my life, so yeah this was definently awesome. the last line was heart breaking but hey her loss right. i loved a lot of your lines you chose, very selective words that create a unique image. the second to last line, the dormant hand line, and the second one were brilliant. i didnt care too much for the cutting like a knife reference, it gets the point across, but i think you can be a bit more creative, thats used entirely too much. other than that i totally enjoyed this and its going straight to my favs. well done, i get exactly how you feel and you go ahead and be bitter. -steph
Indeed an impressive piece.pardon me my comrade but i just happened to read ur critique to some m-.....your deep yet lucid language very contrasting to mine which is ornamental...happens to be my subject of interest..to your work i might be incapable of delivering justice but surely would i say that it has some paradoxical hope entwined with despair..also a little vague somewhere...looking forward to being bestowed the fortune of your critique of my own creation... nonymous...
Wow, you never got bad huh? You're still up here pumping them out. LOL I haven't been able to write in like how long..lol..I do come back and stuff every once in a while, but yeah I like this dude. I love the self-expression, but at the same time I your use of terminology...But yeah thanks for this post. I've been in this situation before...and I'm sorry you are going through it too