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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Tonguedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1099
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 716



    Description:
       well, you know sometimes you like someone, like really like them and respect them, but they're usually going out with someone else (yeah for like two weeks), just because that person is more hot and good looking. well i'm just bitter about it all. it's happened little too many times.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Tonguedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everyday we live and die a new life
    Sparring and shuffling; the fight's called true love
    But everything you do cuts like a knife
    Through to my heart and the heavens above.
    I'm invisible to your pertty eyes
    I'm numb to the touch of your dormant hand
    I'll convince myself that it's just a lie
    But it's not; so I can only stand
    In front of you, there but still not quite there.
    I want to love you, just to worship you
    Your body, your soul, I just want to care
    for you; but how can i even know you?
    I'll still be there somewhere in your own song
    But all you want are his hands and his tongue...




    Submitted on 2006-05-11 21:52:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm invisible to your [pertty] eyes = pretty?

    so I can only stand
    In front of you,

    this part here reminds me of that scene in notting hill 'im just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love me' or something to that effect... in some ways thats what the whole piece is about...

    it is never fair to be in this position.
    it seems all the good ones are taken and it happens all too often.
    it is hard to watch someone you adore [or could potentially given the opportunity] want someone else...

    theres an old song that has lines that work with this piece...

    "pretty woman out walking with gorillas down my street /.../ is she really going out with him? is she really gonna take him home tonight? is she really going out with him? coz if my eyes dont decieve me there is something going on around here"

    good luck...
    | Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Amaxing. I really liked this. Great job and i hope you keep writing, and that I remember to check out your writing. Thanks.
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-09-29 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh so you're the one who won the contest!!! wow!
    | Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by D-Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely written.
    Compassion.
    I feel the inner anguish.
    beautiful.
    Write on.
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by Valle_Siddious | [ Reply to This ]
      Great job. I think the flow could use some major shaping up. But the content of this poem is good. I liked your word choice and placement. People should stop judging others by the way they look. It's sad to see that despite all the advancments in this world, this is one thing we have receded in

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love the last two lines of this. At first i was wondering how the poem fit in with the title, but the last two lines put it all together. I must say that the first line seems a little irrelevent, but i think the rest was right on topic.
    The fifth line could be written like this, i think it sounds better,
    "I'm invisible in your pretty eyes."
    If you don't want to change, that's fine, i just think it sounds better that way.
    This isn't a favorites addition, but it was very good anyway.
    Besides that, i think it was a very good poem. Short and straight to the point. ok, i done.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      i absolutely love this! talk about story of my life, so yeah this was definently awesome. the last line was heart breaking but hey her loss right. i loved a lot of your lines you chose, very selective words that create a unique image. the second to last line, the dormant hand line, and the second one were brilliant. i didnt care too much for the cutting like a knife reference, it gets the point across, but i think you can be a bit more creative, thats used entirely too much. other than that i totally enjoyed this and its going straight to my favs. well done, i get exactly how you feel and you go ahead and be bitter.
    -steph
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      Indeed an impressive piece.pardon me my comrade but i just happened to read ur critique to some m-.....your deep yet lucid language very contrasting to mine which is ornamental...happens to be my subject of interest..to your work i might be incapable of delivering justice but surely would i say that it has some paradoxical hope entwined with despair..also a little vague somewhere...looking forward to being bestowed the fortune of your critique of my own creation...
    nonymous...
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by anna kareinina | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, you never got bad huh? You're still up here pumping them out. LOL I haven't been able to write in like how long..lol..I do come back and stuff every once in a while, but yeah I like this dude. I love the self-expression, but at the same time I your use of terminology...But yeah thanks for this post. I've been in this situation before...and I'm sorry you are going through it too
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Nashataku | [ Reply to This ]


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