My senses are cleansed
There where your fingers clutch mine
Your eyes light the way back home
With our smiles entwined
Our hearts dance for the embers
They glow in your touch
This night will last forever
As long as this dream never ends
| So, they made you dig back into the ancient Japanese Waka poetic style and make a choka.|
God love creative writing/English teachers...
Personally, I can't write "form" poetry. It is one of the biggest and hardest to handle downfalls in my writing. I have the highest respect for those who can and can do so without the write feeling forced to fit into some form. You have done this here ~ frankly, who gives a sh!t about the last line, I didn't notice and considering most have no clue what a choka is you could have gotten away with saying nothing!
Again, you have written a work that flows and just feels comfortable and easy. You have expressed some serious passion in here. Someone, if not one already, is going to be very fortunate to have such a passionate woman in their lives.
|| Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ] || but yup... i dont know what a choka is either...|
i dont know what anything is these days but i do know this is close to an exquisite piece in some places...
i love to watch fires die...
i spent 2 nights in the middle of the forest with 3 of my german friends last weekend and we sat round a fire and everyone went to bed but i simply couldnt coz i was completely transfixed by the fire... its struggle to stay alive... the way the embers would die and then try to come back to life only to not quite make it...
and this... this is a dance for the embers...
i dont know whether its a dance in memory of the embers or in celebration of the embers...
part of me has the scene from Evita where they hear that Eva Peron has died and they all dance... its very mournful and yet the most beautiful thing that sticks in mind... i almost want the world to mournfully dance when i die... it would be fitting somehow but anyways...
the embers dance in this piece seems more of a happy beautiful moment... an ever lingering memory of how beautiful life can be even if its just a dream (or seeming like a dream...)
so yup... my comment isnt going anywhere...
back to the bad comment hall of fame for me
but if you can find any shred of sense in this comment well done...
i hope this was a real event of which you write... it sounds too beautiful to be made up...
|| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || very pretty. i've never heard of a choka before. i might suggest in the last line you could say|
As long as this dream lingers...
there you have 7 syllables, and i think the meaning still stands. just a suggestion. either way, this was short and sweet and very loving.
|| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ] || I can really relate to this poem right now. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away from me, and everytime we're together, I don't want to leave. |
Anyway, I liked your choka. Hyproglo suggested "And this dream will never end". I was thinking you could put "If this dream will never end". I think that fits the meaning of the last line better. So, is a choka a sort of extention of a Haiku or Tanka, or just similar to them?
|| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by shannanigan | [ Reply to This ] || First off, what the hell is a choka? lol. I want to write one! lol. Second, since I don't know the rules for a choka, I can't really critique you on your efforts now can I? But I can say I liked the wording. Very detailed with imagery. Good work.|
|| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] || I dunno what a choka-choka-choka is but I do know how to count syllables...what do you think of|
"And this dream will never end" for the last line?
But in other news:
I liked this one. Kind of like how love just opens the eyes and brings joy and happiness. You worded that very well.
Thanks for sharing!
|| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ] || "Our hearts dance for the embers" That is a great way to describe the feeling. I've been with my boyfriend/fiance for over 4 years, and I love when I still feel this. It doesn't always happen... sometimes the touch is so familiar it's just warm... but sometimes I still get that glow and flutter you captured so well here.|
|| Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ] || very nice. i didn't really know what a choka was so i read up on that before commenting.|
so i love the wording, i love the imagery, there's not much to comment on that, except for the fact that you bring up some dreamy images through this poem. as for the last line, i'm thinking hyproglo's suggestion reads perfectly. nice work. doesn't deserve any crap at all.
|| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ] |