[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Dance for the Embersdots

    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1106
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 285

       i had to write a choka for class, so viola here it is. i guess i havent written in a while so give me all the crap i deserve. oh yeah and notice i broke the seven syllable rule in the last line, i just couldnt get it to sound right without the extra one.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDance for the Embersdots

    My senses are cleansed
    There where your fingers clutch mine
    Your eyes light the way back home
    With our smiles entwined
    Our hearts dance for the embers
    They glow in your touch
    This night will last forever
    As long as this dream never ends

    Submitted on 2006-05-11 22:15:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      So, they made you dig back into the ancient Japanese Waka poetic style and make a choka.
    God love creative writing/English teachers...

    Personally, I can't write "form" poetry. It is one of the biggest and hardest to handle downfalls in my writing. I have the highest respect for those who can and can do so without the write feeling forced to fit into some form. You have done this here ~ frankly, who gives a sh!t about the last line, I didn't notice and considering most have no clue what a choka is you could have gotten away with saying nothing!

    Again, you have written a work that flows and just feels comfortable and easy. You have expressed some serious passion in here. Someone, if not one already, is going to be very fortunate to have such a passionate woman in their lives.
    Excellent write
    | Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      but yup... i dont know what a choka is either...
    i dont know what anything is these days but i do know this is close to an exquisite piece in some places...

    i love to watch fires die...
    i spent 2 nights in the middle of the forest with 3 of my german friends last weekend and we sat round a fire and everyone went to bed but i simply couldnt coz i was completely transfixed by the fire... its struggle to stay alive... the way the embers would die and then try to come back to life only to not quite make it...

    and this... this is a dance for the embers...
    i dont know whether its a dance in memory of the embers or in celebration of the embers...
    part of me has the scene from Evita where they hear that Eva Peron has died and they all dance... its very mournful and yet the most beautiful thing that sticks in mind... i almost want the world to mournfully dance when i die... it would be fitting somehow but anyways...
    the embers dance in this piece seems more of a happy beautiful moment... an ever lingering memory of how beautiful life can be even if its just a dream (or seeming like a dream...)

    so yup... my comment isnt going anywhere...
    back to the bad comment hall of fame for me
    but if you can find any shred of sense in this comment well done...
    i hope this was a real event of which you write... it sounds too beautiful to be made up...
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      very pretty. i've never heard of a choka before. i might suggest in the last line you could say

    As long as this dream lingers...

    there you have 7 syllables, and i think the meaning still stands. just a suggestion. either way, this was short and sweet and very loving.

    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I can really relate to this poem right now. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away from me, and everytime we're together, I don't want to leave.

    Anyway, I liked your choka. Hyproglo suggested "And this dream will never end". I was thinking you could put "If this dream will never end". I think that fits the meaning of the last line better. So, is a choka a sort of extention of a Haiku or Tanka, or just similar to them?
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by shannanigan | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, what the hell is a choka? lol. I want to write one! lol. Second, since I don't know the rules for a choka, I can't really critique you on your efforts now can I? But I can say I liked the wording. Very detailed with imagery. Good work.

    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I dunno what a choka-choka-choka is but I do know how to count syllables...what do you think of
    "And this dream will never end" for the last line?

    But in other news:
    I liked this one. Kind of like how love just opens the eyes and brings joy and happiness. You worded that very well.

    Thanks for sharing!
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      "Our hearts dance for the embers" That is a great way to describe the feeling. I've been with my boyfriend/fiance for over 4 years, and I love when I still feel this. It doesn't always happen... sometimes the touch is so familiar it's just warm... but sometimes I still get that glow and flutter you captured so well here.
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice. i didn't really know what a choka was so i read up on that before commenting.

    so i love the wording, i love the imagery, there's not much to comment on that, except for the fact that you bring up some dreamy images through this poem. as for the last line, i'm thinking hyproglo's suggestion reads perfectly. nice work. doesn't deserve any crap at all.

    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    AI written by poetotoe
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Push written by JanePlane
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    written by Daniel Barlow
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Linger written by saartha
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]