That Night by Star

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Submission Name: That Night dots

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Author:	Star
ASL Info:	15 F WI
Elite Ratio:	2.69 - 125/127/42
Words:	222

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	1355
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1373

Description:
OK its not about me or anyone I know i was just sitting in class and it kinda came to me.... i had to write it down and ended up missing the notes so whats it mean to you and what you think of it leave me opinions

That Night dots

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Dazed...
The room is spinning
I try to move, but I am too dizzy
I fall off the ded and onto the floor
I look around and realize
this isnt my room
Suddenly I notice my shirt and bra
across the room
How did those get there?
I stand up and walk over to them
I begin to see flashes, images
of the night before
Pulling at me, pushing me down
Then nothing
I look for my underwear and pants
What the hell happened to me?
I can recall the party
I can still taste the beer
but it was wrong somehow
something tasted different...
It hits me I know what
happened now
I look at the bed, but
no one is there
Not anymore
feeling sick I find a bathroom
and vomit
More images, the pressing of a body
against mine, kissing me, pulling off clothes,
then the soft cascading blanket
then numbness
I look at myself and am surprised
to see bruises all over my arms and legs
I find a mirror and look at myself
Makeup smeared across my face
a fat lip and a black eye
Damn......
I never should have gone
Home is where I should have been
Its all my fault this happened
A victim of date rape I've become

Submitted on 2006-05-13 02:04:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I think the wording was too simplistic, the meaning too obvious, and lacked much realism and emotion for such a disturbing topic.

the last line I found extremely disturbing the way it was written so "matter of factly"

not too sure about the flow for myself either, it could just be my opinion though as everybody else seems to like it.., (I am extremely picky)

the idea was there I can't argue with that but I think it needs a rewrite and a lot more feeling put into it.
| Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
  mi likes hun that just cam eto you? tats crazy but thats the way i write too. but ususly i have sum kinda realation to my life with my poems...
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
  Make sure to watch your spelling near the top ("ded?"). The vibe of this poem is good but could certainly be developed further - I wish it had a more chaotic, disturbed feel to it. I love the word choice here - simple, which works. I hope this didn't really occur to you, and if it did.. *hug*.
A good peice, love.
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Velvet_Inker | [ Reply to This ]
  Very descriptive. The girl in the story was confused and thats how it plays onto the person reading. The details give you an idea of her vision and surrounding. I like pieces like this one. keep writing!
*~Courtney~*
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by mcknight92 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Very wonderful write you have here. It really goes into how much confusion is involved in 'the day after' when your to hung-over and confused to remember anything that happened. And then when you do, it's no better. That feeling is so helpless. Abandonment, self-loathing is also a very big part of it as well. No matter how many times you hear 'it’s not your fault' you still blame yourself.
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by tokillthedead | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.