Silent Hills by jslbabygirl101

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Submission Name: Silent Hills dots

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Author:	jslbabygirl101
ASL Info:	18/f/ga
Elite Ratio:	2.35 - 76/82/49
Words:	62

Class/Type:	Poetry/Death
Total Views:	178
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	403

Description:
This poem is where I was trying to use the formatting and rhyme scheme of someone else and it turns out that is not my type. So basically this was an experiment gone wrong.

Silent Hills dots

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Trickling blood down my head

deranged creeps that walk the night

walking creatures of the dead

so watch yuor head and turn on the light.

Something dead I smell it coming

hold your nose;watch your head

they are coming for you; too late for numbing

becasue now you will see that you are dead.

Submitted on 2006-05-13 14:49:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i like that....i love the way you right...and i love the way you put your words....
it makes more sense to my simple mind other then the other things i read.
*dianne*
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by dianne | [ Reply to This ]
  Now this was an interesting poem to read. Sort of creepy in the end, but everyone needs a creepy read in their life

A few suggestions:
-Put more punctuation into it. Since you already posted one or two, redo the rest with comma's and such.
-Use spell check on MS Word so you may correct those small errors.
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by HelixDarksin | [ Reply to This ]
  umm yea Zombies score
you used the word head too much it seems but maybe that is me.... well its cool that you tried though maybe nextime you can get the rhyming thing right
keep it up
peace
STAR
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
  Sweet that rocked
I like the last few lines it was kool
I don't really have anything to say

It was kool
You really thought it out

Fana
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
  This was cool, real cool. I liked it lots. Just correct those errors, like spelling and grammar and you like be alright. I mean the rhyming wasn't that bad...lol

Later
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Dragon of Roses | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite a lot of spelling errors. Such as your, and also many grammer errors. I agree that you really need to work on this, so far the whole poem seems to have no feeling and and flow to it. Also, I think this would have been much better if you hadn't (it seems) changed ideas halfway though. It starts off sounding like it's going to talk about a monster but ends with a attempt to sound like it's about death.
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
  that format didn't really work for you. the piece seemed short and choppy, no real structure or depth to it. i think that it could be a good piece if you just changed the format and elaborated on it a bit. there is nothing wrong with experimenting, though. sometimes you find something new that you like and that works for you. keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]

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