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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Inclimate Encounterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 606
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1320
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3712



    Description:
       I can't describe this now. It's too long, and I haven't slept yet.. I intend to fix any errors I might've missed due to the fact I'm exhausted. Enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInclimate Encounterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I stand out in open air, a bipedal obelisk,
    as the sky treads over me with vicious heels.
    The wind flares, screaming litanies of jealously past my ears.
    It's cool fingers run through my hair,
    frantically trying to seize hold of the tattered strands
    as they flutter wildy without pattern.
    All in a vain attempt to steal my devotion
    from the stellar clouds overhead
    that float by like giant puffs of smoke from God's cigars.
    Like an ignorant flower begging to be picked,
    I keep my eyes ever upward,
    gazing softly at the white-cotton sculptures
    that sail upon our world.

    Suddenly, I feel the animosity come swiftly blowing.
    The trees bow in fear. Their branches convulse
    and cry out as leafy relatives are torn and stripped away
    from the tedious lives of comfort they've grown accustomed to;
    forced out to wilt and perish neglected by everything
    but the sun and it's linear fire light.
    The insulted weather catapults cardboard hopes
    and plastic bag emotions at me with vindictive fury.
    A burst of melancholy air strikes me like a challenging shove, forcing me back.
    Faltering steps in an unknown direction deliver me
    straight to the jarring, unforgiving surface of the intolerant earth.

    As I lay on the tiny green spikes,
    arms outcast and hands dug deep in tall tragic grass,
    I can sense that it's alive.
    The faint pulse runs with mine as if to comfort me
    in the meadows of realization.
    I stay pinned down for endless minutes while
    the global lawn beneath me suffers courteously.
    The cruel clear force dissolves after giving me a final shrieking whip.
    Once muted tranquility is attainted I stand in complacency,
    pride vanquished and a little respect taken
    by the thief that can't be seen.
    On my insecure feet once again
    I happen to glance down at the flattened sketch of my body
    left in crushed blades and comprehend, for the first time,
    how great an artist nature truly is.
    To utilize such vivid colours
    and unique landscape canvases:
    creating what we crown existance.

    My mind is snow.
    Thought is drowned out
    by the orchestral notes that abruptly fill the park;
    played by birds of prayer
    and various other singing creatures that form an organic choir.
    Measureless talents and nameless scores to perform:
    Wordless verses and timeless music;
    It has been entertaining man
    since before the crafting of the earliest instruments.
    Insect composers take over
    and I simply remain still and absorb the buzzing rhythm.
    As the crickets start their third solo,
    a breeze of remorse sweeps by,
    with apologetic oxygen for my charcoaled lungs to breathe.

    I forgive,
    and it pilots me to a pond of innocence.
    I look to the surface of the clear virgin water and dare not place a hand in
    or let my hideous reflection haunt it's purity for any longer than an instant.
    Each ripple sends a euphoric shiver down my spine.
    Constricting chest.
    The sight of sheer beauty wrenches on my frayed heartstrings.
    I walk away, casting aside the role of corruptor.
    Sinless hours pass with each stride.
    I watch the essential dusk set down,
    kneeling in prayer for the beasts of the night,
    and bringing with it a new shade to envelop the heavenly canvas.




    Submitted on 2006-05-14 15:24:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well, this may have been written in prose and paragraph form but it ryhmed in a way that it wasn't supposed to(good thing). it took alot for me to get through this, it could be because its late, it could be because i have a short attention span... either one. doesn't matter i read it and it heightens your senses, but for some reason it hurts to read it. like you dont want to but you have to.
    -kiddow
    | Posted on 2006-05-28 00:00:00 | by the nerdbomb | [ Reply to This ]
      One word: wow. I loved reading this. It is so simplistic in nature, and yet it evolves into so much more. There is an underlying need to look inside, and see what is haunting there just out of reach; and yet the want to do nothing but admire the words is greater.

    I especially liked the verse about the music of birds entertaining man before instruments were created. This must have taken a long time to compose, and alot of thought no doubt went into it; if not, you are a greater artist than I shall ever be.

    I bow to your greatness of prose.
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
      Slightly over-the-top use of words, but it did well to get the concept across. I like your use of metaphors and flowing rythme, though I didn't really catch the point / meaning to it all, aside from it being very poetic.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Feltrex | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very good, i sense that it needs a little work but it is a good write. NOt much to say on this one because I didn't really get it. Though there may not be much to get I can be slow at points.



    JEssica
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by jslbabygirl101 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it.

    It felt like this is a piece could've been created by someone who has seen the Grand Canyon first hand... or a landscape that mirrors accurately (or otherwise) its effects. And what I like most about it is the sense of balance; the absence of pretension or exaggeration that could've been set to distract us from a meager meaning (which of course, is nothing compared to what the piece seems to have been founded upon.)

    To me it conveyed the way the universe dwarfs us. It's like being on a plane with 50 other passengers and more to form a small bleep in the radar. The ending, to me, is more like... accepting a person's incapability to completely comprehend the vastness of our reality... and having enough wisdom to let it run its course.

    Life is like the surf... so give yourself up like the sea.

    Your piece was very rich.

    Your choice of metaphors are adequate to rattle a dormant mind. But at the same time, they are gentle enough to ease the meaning and effectively rub against your readers.

    Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good you have an incredible ability to give these vivid and just amazing visualizations, i do like most of the metaphors one that odes seem out of place is "the stellar clouds overhead that float by like giant puffs of smoke from God's cigars." for some reason it just didnt seem to fit with the rest of the work it is really good though.

    on a non critical note this reminds me of alot of things but one in particular is frenkenstein especially at "I look to the surface of the clear virgin water and dare not place a hand in
    or let my hideous reflection haunt it's purity for no longer than an instant" just saying it was really good though bravo
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by Nessus | [ Reply to This ]
      Rask: "ALthough, I am quite ashamed to say that I'm not entirely sure of what you were describing with the metaphors."

    That's what I was talking about..don't jump to conclusions..
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, rather impressive. I love your sense of metaphorical use; it accents the poem well. I love the way you see things... and how everything in this is described so organically.

    While reading this thorugh... I found a few errors, nothing major. Vane should be vain. I believe char-coaled is just charcoaled and... Constricting chest, could maybe be constricting my chest?

    Aside from that I loved your use of paradoxed statements such as...

    'global lawn beneath me suffers courteously.'

    It works so well and it gives a sort of an overruling sense.

    Another line I particularily loved was

    'The insulted weather catapults cardboard hopes and plastic bag emotions at me with vindictive fury'

    Your use of personification (insulted weather) and your use of imagery (catapults cardboard hopes and plastic bag emotions...) It's just so O_O brilliant... it's like it's angry with you/us (how ever this poem is supposed to be viewed) beacuse of the way we've littered it to such an extent that it rebels.

    'look to the surface of the clear virgin water and dare not place a hand in
    or let my hideous reflection haunt it's purity for no longer than an instant.'

    Was so... powerful. It's like saying that the water is someone/something so pure and so chaste that you fear your touch will poison/haunt them. And that since you see yourself as so horrific you'd rather let them live keeping their chastity. Beautiful O_O

    (Although, maybe I say, if you are talking about yourself in this poem, you are anything but hideous and beastial.)

    'All in a va(i)n(/e) attempt to steal my devotion from the stellar clouds overhead that float by like giant puffs of smoke from God's cigars. '

    Was also another great line. Especially your comparison to the clouds and the smoke from gods cigars. It compliments it greatly only beacuse when people think of god, they think of him in the clouds. You kind of put a twist onto that one... the fact that 'he's' smoking makes him seem not all that perfect.

    Also, it's a shame shoggoth was not able to comprehend this because it's poetic beauty is so intent that it leaves the reader rather inspired. ALthough, I am quite ashamed to say that I'm not entirely sure of what you were describing with the metaphors. Usually, I can pick them out with your work.. but not this time. It's a little harder, but very well done nonetheless.

    Thanks for sharing! Take care and I can't wait to read more of your work. I love you <3
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]
      Man, I'm sorry, but I don't have the brain capacity to figure this out, but I did enjoy it..somehow the sound of the words and phrases you used speak for themselves..therefore I cannot comment about your point (if there is one), but I can sure as hell say you can write dude!! :)) Really, I enjoy this kind of style..

    Anyways, be well ;))
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good! I enjoyed reading this; the metaphores were beautiful and not too hard to follow. Although I don't really see a "point" to this piece, I definitely see how it follows some sort of rise and fall. The piece begins in tranquility, the storm comes, then it all sinks back into tranquility. Well done!

    I did catch a couple of spelling/grammar errors that no one else seems to have caught:

    "As the crickets start their third solo, a breeze of remorse sweeps by, with apologetic oxygen for my char-coaled lungs to breath."

    Someone else pointed out "char-coaled," they are correct, it is "charcoaled." You don't need the hyphen, since it does not occur at the end of a line. At the end of this sentance, the word "breath" is a noun, I believe you were meaning to use the word "breathe" which is a verb.

    "I look to the surface of the clear virgin water and dare not place a hand in
    or let my hideous reflection haunt it's purity for no longer than an instant."

    I don't know exactly what the name of this problem is...but it has something to do with negative agreements and such. "I dare not let my refection haunt it's purity for NO LONGER than an instant" would sound much better if you took out the NO. If you still want to have a word there, I'd suggest ANY. So it would read: "I look to the surface of the clear virgin water and dare not place a hand in
    or let my hideous reflection haunt it's purity for (any) longer than an instant."

    Keep up the good work!

    ~Doh
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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