this is not an exit(disappear here) by maquiladora

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Submission Name: this is not an exit(disappear here) dots

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Author:	maquiladora
ASL Info:	26/m/nj
Elite Ratio:	3.57 - 420/300/57
Words:	82

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	154
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	527

Description:

this is not an exit(disappear here) dots

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*this is not an exit(disappear here)*

i had a dream; a terrible dream where the moon fell from your sky,
shattering into a million darkened pieces on the frozen, bleeding ground.

i immersed myself in the irises of your eyes and i cried and cried.
oh, how i cried!

frozen puddles of tears extinguished my starlight
as two little moonbeams ran swiftly from me and hung their light in another sky.

and i disappear...
i disappear here.

Submitted on 2006-05-15 02:47:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  wow. this one was really weird. i liked it! i liked the imagery a lot.

"i immersed myself in the irises of your eyes "

that was my favorite part. good job
| Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  oo, i like this.. i might suggest in the beginning you could shorten it a bit, perhaps

i dreamed the moon
fell from your sky...

i think the poem already says implicity that it is a terrible dream.. i love the image of immersing yourself in the irises of her eyes.. damn..

sad stuff, but beautifully written.

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Very clever tying in of all the celestial images in this, also you truly do convey the loneliness very well without using any cliché phrases or being too direct. Very well done I wouldn't change a word ;)
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]
  This is interesting, but sad. I love the visuals you have here, it's a good way to express how you're feeling...
I hope your mood brightens soon, keep your head up!
| Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is not an exit (disappear here)

this reminds me of exit music (for a film) by radiohead and the words are almost as haunting in this piece as they are in the song...
theres prolly no relation between the two of them at all in your head but there is in mine lol.

your imagery all focusses round the night and celestial like images and you have managed to do this without getting all cliché like most tend to do when they compare lovers and such to stars and moons and the like.
that is well done on your part.

i really like the end

i disappear
i disappear here

im wondering though whether you are disappearing from the scene you paint here or whether you disappear into the scene... either way could work well...

the idea of lights being hung in another sky is hauntingly beautiful but so broken at the same time...

this is really well done
i disappear here...
| Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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