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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thought Provoking Skiesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1309
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1085



    Description:
       This is partly experience, it is freeverse, so please, don't comment on the way I have put it together, that part is intentional and will not be revised...if you have comments or thoughts about the words, the subject, the tone...I would love to hear it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThought Provoking Skiesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She layed on her back with her eyes open

    And focused on the huge sky above her

    She wanted to swim awhile
    and maybe, if there was time;
    because so much depends on time,
    she wanted to undress and let her hair down
    And let the water consume her

    She thought with her heart that the sky was so big

    And she told him that she thought it was beautiful
    and completely out of her control and seperate from any other living thing

    The sky she thought, is kind to stay
    It only had to run away and everyliving thing would end
    would die

    The sky, should be worshipped
    and she kneeled down
    and fell over trying to balance
    and tried again, and failed
    From the diving board, where she has been sitting during this time, overlooking a premature pool
    she fell
    into the water
    and on the floor of the pool
    she found,
    a rubber shark; he smiled at her, a toothy grin and swam away while she watched




    Submitted on 2006-05-15 13:08:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      She wanted to swim awhile
    and maybe, if there was time;
    because so much depends on time,
    she wanted to undress and let her hair down
    And let the water consume her

    I've felt this before...and right now, I would like to swim

    And be consumed by water

    Or by anything.

    This is pretty enough to get another comment...
    | Posted on 2007-09-23 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      So this is my attempt on commenting on your poetry. I have failed at this is previous attempts, but I felt I should try.
    Wow.
    Wow.
    That was amazing. Through reading this poem I could feel nothing more than a feeling of weightlessness. Like I was there, seeing the girl and feeling what she felt. Your words describing the sky were... immense. They wonderfully portrayed the sky as just that. It provided the image of a blue sky (with perfect end-of-the-world clouds) seeming so large and unattainable. So powerful. Like a god.
    I love the imagery and the wording was beautiful.
    The part at the end about the shark made it seem... real. Vivid, maybe is a better word. I could see you falling and sinking in to the pool and laying on the bottom... looking at a plastic shark as it smiles and the glides away.
    Wow.
    That's all I have left to say here... wow.
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with redrose i love those lines there my favorite....i think the punctuation needs worked on. ....i love free verse but this is a bit choppy ...i picture a mushroom dream .....
    very good write..
    AL
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this alot. It wouldn't be as good if it wasn't free verse. I agree with Raivn, The ending is the best, but this part seemed akwardly placed:
    The sky she thought, is kind to stay
    It only had to run away and everyliving thing would end
    would die
    I think it would be better if those lines were cut.
    Otherwise great piece!
    LeAnna
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I think it's kind of cute. And it also makes your heroine seem a little tipsy, which she probably was...But this is my favorite part:

    she fell
    into the water
    and on the floor of the pool
    she found,
    a rubber shark; he smiled at her, a toothy grin and swam away while she watched
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      so very shiny....i love shiny things, and this is shiny
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


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