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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forget-me-notdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 303
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1655
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2132



    Description:
       Just another poem, it took some time for me to make this to what I thought was good enough to post, so just be brutally or bluntly honest with this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForget-me-notdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mind is blank...
    From an empty blood bank
    In these waters of despair
    I've nothing else to bare
    Left with no reason to care,
    For your tears; so dire
    You're naught but a liar

    Hidden in these surgical scars...
    Caged behind prison bars
    Suffocated by misery
    Is pain all you see,
    When you look through me?
    I'm lost but I'm found,
    I'll scream without a sound

    My heart...
    Slain!
    Nothing remains sane!
    I'm just a sacrifice, I know
    Lost myself long ago
    Can I help but feel this woe,
    When emotions are a schism,
    In this black and white prism

    All my hate cannot be bound...
    I will not be found,
    Praying to an empty promise
    Welcoming death's kiss
    All so I'll never miss
    The look on your face
    Or the hellish place

    Blinded by a dead star...
    Pondering who you are
    Forcing a broken smile
    Crying all the while,
    As I choke back bile
    The truth I cannot claim,
    But I'm sick of this game

    Barbwired heart...
    Beating apart
    Cry out with every incise
    Bleeding out my disguise
    Ignoring my own cries
    As my salvation you belate
    I fall victim to your hate

    An angel, please send...
    My wounds, won't mend
    Listen as the winds sigh
    Daring myself to cry
    I will not bow to this lie,
    This lie, beginning with the knife
    This lie that I call life

    Welcome to Hell...
    Choose your hotel
    For I can't bear to resist
    Clencing my fists
    As I slice my wrists
    The world, so violent, so gory
    It's just the same old story

    The siren blares...
    But no one cares
    This disease I carry
    Like the lives I bury
    Makes me "O-so-wary"
    I hope you take better thought,
    Of your dead forget-me-not






    Submitted on 2006-05-15 15:47:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow. this was creepy as [censored]. ok the rhyming was good even if it seemed forced. some of the words u used had me blinking a few times. but the flow seemed choppy to me. that picture is pretty scary too, by the way
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh sis, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling bad! Is there anything I can do to help you? I read your journal and now I'm worried about you! Are you going to be ok? If you need me I am only a click away, please don't do anything you'll regret lil sis! I love you and don't want anything to happen to you, please promise me that you're not gonna do anything stupid, ok?
    I love you Lil sis and don't forget it!

    -your big sis forever,
    Melissa J.
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought it was good. I'm not sure what a schism is, I tried to look it up. Other than that, it was pretty easy to keep up. In the 5th stanza where you said
    "Forcing a broken smile
    Crying all the while,
    As I choke back bile"
    that was kinda cool. I didn't expect the choking back bile part. You are pretty good at rhyming, but some of it seemed forced a little. I never try to rhyme, it's too hard for me. Sometimes, if you want to not feel depressed anymore, marijuana helps, or at least it helps me.
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by dude90998 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a really good piece, although your rhyming seemed forced in some parts. Its nice to rhyme, but it doesn't have to. Anywho it was a lovely piece, I can relate.

    "Welcome to Hell...
    Choose your hotel
    For I can't bear to resist
    Clencing my fists
    As I slice my wrists
    The world, so violent, so gory
    It's just the same old story."

    I like the feel of this stanza..kinda weird, although I believe you meant "clenching". Anyhow it was just funny a little, because hotel in hell?..Interesting concept you have there. That stanza just stood out to me, hurting yourself sucks doesn't it. And sometimes the "world" sucks too, what can you do?.nothing.

    Love it!! Keep up the great work!!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      Welcome to Hell...
    Choose your hotel
    For I can't bear to resist
    Clencing my fists
    As I slice my wrists
    The world, so violent, so gory
    It's just the same old story

    The siren blares...
    But no one cares
    This disease I carry
    Like the lives I bury
    Makes me "O-so-wary"
    I hope you take better thought,
    Of your dead forget-me-not


    the first stanza of this comment seems to be a bit cliché, but i think it's supposed to sound that way, sort of mocking the people who think life is hell and then it turns it around in the last stanza making you feel sorry for that person who's life you didn't think was so bad, but maybe it really was, and maybe you should have taken them more seriously...good job making me think!

    ~chaos!

    IM ON A ROLL!!! I KEEP SPELLING CHAOS RIGHT!!!
    | Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      There's something about this piece that i really like, I can't really explain what it is but it feels different, maybe its because you used kinda bigger vocabulary or something in this one, i dunno but this feels a lot more mature than ur other writes, and i love it. These lines right here, i just f.ucking love

    "Hidden in these surgical scars...
    Caged behind prison bars
    Suffocated by misery
    Is pain all you see,
    When you look through me?
    I'm lost but I'm found,
    I'll scream without a sound"

    These lines make it feel like you're in some kind of asylum or prison thing. This sounds very... medical and industrial, like you're being mutilated or something and I love that feel. Especially the surgical scars, that really makes it feel as if society or this world is mutilating u and thats really good imagery right there. Also, i like the suffocated by misery part because it just really explains how you feel and how pissed off you can be. Lets see, i have to find something to complain about, hmmm... some of your rhymes sound kinda forced and dont really flow, i guess, I can't really find something big wrong wit this. I love this poem, especially those lines i mentioned. This is definately a fav.

    peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      "Barbwired heart...
    Beating apart
    Cry out with every incise
    Bleeding out my disguise
    Ignoring my own cries
    As my salvation you belate
    I fall victim to your hate" Is probably my favorite stanza throughout this poem...I don't really know why though, it just sort of stood out to me. I think the rhyming throughout the poem fit together pretty well. Another great write. Oh, and another thing, don't do anything stupid, like take your own life or anything. If you believe in heaven and hell, that would be the worst thing to do. Also, stick out, you'll learn from the hard trials you go through in life, everyone goes through tough [censored], so don't worry you're not alone. Anyway, hope to see another peice soon.
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      Hah compared to the rest I'm gonna leave a very short comment. First of all I'm back for the time being, so it's nice hearing from you again. =P Second of all, cheer up, lift your head, I know it's been awhile since you've been able to really smile, this poem says and permeates it. But sometimes you have to just let go of everything, and just be with a friend you could trust with your soul. Get away from it all and just live...because believe me it works wonders.

    RainbowXrazors is wrong we can do something to change this world. It's just most of us don't have the strength, or have lost the will to keep fighting. People like us are tired...we've had it with fighting every damn day of our lives for a what seems to be a worthless cause. But we have to keep doing it, if not for out benefit for our futures.

    No one cares? Of course people care, but their not the people you want or need to care. You want someone like you, I know, because I'm the same way. This poem just represents your anger and your fear. But it's time to stop being so afraid. Your strong. You can keep fighting...you only have a little longer to fight. Then you'll be 18, and in complete legal control of your life. You'll be free...and then you'll be happy. Trust me. Look at that [censored] we call life in the eye with the strongest face of defiance and don't let it get to you. You can do this...we all can.

    From a poetic stand point...the poem is forced...but the emotion you send makes up for it. I really enjoyed it.

    Keep fighting
    Flamequill
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by Flamequill | [ Reply to This ]


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    103330

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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