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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jump Spiderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Colten
    ASL Info:    19/Man?lol/U of I
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 62/99/43
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 865
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 848



    Description:
       I was really bored one day. I thought to myself, what if death was a physical creature? What would it be? I thought a while until the image of a spider came to mind. I knew it would be interesting.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJump Spiderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    No, Yes, Maybe,
    Can I believe my eyes,
    As I have seen death,
    Thrice,
    The first was simplistic,
    It was on a street side,
    Two vehicles crashed,
    Two people died,
    And one spider,
    Crawled away from the wreckage,
    I did not take note,
    The second was suspicious,
    I was walking on a sidewalk,
    A man was next to me,
    A spider on his back,
    Bit him,
    He never noticed,
    Three minutes later,
    A heart attack,
    The spider crawled away from the corpse,
    I took note little weary,
    The third is frightful,
    My child is ill,
    T'is food poisoning,
    The doctor says,
    I don't believe him,
    I saw a spider,
    Crawl away from his food,
    Now I take note,
    In full!




    Submitted on 2006-05-15 16:40:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Death as a spider...interesting. It at once takes away from the mystery and makes it all the more chilling. I have to disagree with the other two about more detail, I think too much more would just take away from the effect. I have no idea what the fiddle comments are about. explain? It totally captures how oblivious we are to everything that does not immediately affect us. Loved it. ~jennah
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by jennah | [ Reply to This ]
      Colten, we need more detail like DavidHirt said why the fiddle? Do people notice these spiders? Why do you?.

    You either need more detail.. or if you are purposely being vague you need less. But I love the idea of this.. with some minor tweaking this could be great!

    What significance does the No Yes Maybe have??

    trishia
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
      Colten, I'm not really sure how to come at this piece. As story or poetry. I would suggest adding some more detail to the piece. As it is right now, there are no really strong images in the poem. Why does the spider have a fiddle shaped mark on its back? Perhaps you can describe it more. Get your reader involved with more of a story. tell us more about the son. How does the spider react to you seeing it... does it notice? These are just my thoughts. I wish I could be more helpful.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I never saw death such as this.
    It is a very interesting perspective
    I love the way this spider seemed to be the one causing the death, but the spider itself represents death.
    Very unique and well written!
    You are a crazy good writter keep it up!! :D
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by DragonflyKisses | [ Reply to This ]


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