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    dots Submission Name: Writer's Crampdots

    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1025
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 724


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWriter's Crampdots

    A structured poem state the things I feel?
    Ballades are nice, but somehow sound unreal,
    So out here on the icy ground I kneel
    and raise my pen.

    If sonnets cannot hold me in the night
    How can a sapphic ode turn things aright?
    Upon my page you lie, in virgin white
    The words ask: when?

    And what of sagas, virelais and such?
    They cannot recreate your lover's touch,
    Yet here I am, a pencil in my clutch
    to try again.

    Perhaps a simple prayer will say much more,
    Abandon rhyme, forget the metaphor?
    And tell you, as I knock on Heaven's door,
    Please say Amen.

    Submitted on 2006-05-15 20:28:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I see you've been nic-picked at here on this one, an personally i don't find a darn thing wrong with any of it, infact I liked it,course I've been gone away from the site a little while and by next week I'll be away again, but hopefully not for very long,anyway I thought it a an excellant write keep up the great wroks
    | Posted on 2006-05-26 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      I must be insane. Because I like this the way it is. I stumbled slightly on that last line also, but I think it's because Iwas placing the emphasis on the wrong syllable.

    I like this rhyme scheme. I like to see it played with.

    I do have to say, though, if this is what you can do when you have writer's cramp you may want to try writer's block for a day. (You can have mine! LOL)

    Take Care!

    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the first line was fine Graeme. I like the questioning, disbelieving sound of it. I didn't think anything was missing until I red Cat's review, reread it, got confused, but your sense of the line returned in the third read.
    The line I did have problems with, as Frey says, was the second to last.
    "And tell you, as I knock on Heaven's door,
    Please say Amen."
    The 'And' suggests you're continuing a thought from some where and I can't find it in the poem... it feels disjointed to me... like it came out of no where. Perhaps "I tell you...."?
    If I'm missing something, please let me know so I can re-read the poem.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh the irony! No scorning of the rhupunt in there, I note.

    I'm not convinced that "sheets of white" is the best image -- you've already mentioned page, sheets just seems to be an overkill on the synonyms, but I do like where you're going with it, so I'd suggest perhaps something like "robes of white" since it's actually the white part that's most important (at least to my reading).

    Also, "replicate" seems a little harsh. What about "recreate"?

    I do think you lose the strength of the rhyme in the last couple of lines, but then again, I like what you're saying there.

    Oh, I'm such a picky bitch. It's just so nice, Graeme, I want it to be perfect. I'll sod off now.
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]
      sometimes it is just impossible to put into words what one feels.. trying to force it just doesn't work. i've been feeling that way lately, can't write to save my life.

    your opening line is a bit weak, Graeme. perhaps there should be a "to" in there... "A structured poem to state the things I feel?" maybe it's just me.. i'm tired!!

    very simple ending, just state what you feel..

    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]

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