[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Forlorn Ravendots

    Author: Colten
    ASL Info:    19/Man?lol/U of I
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 62/99/43
    Words: 349
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 867
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2362

       Humans may have to be the most vile, corrupt, and most unworthy creatures to live this planet. Here is a warning to us.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Forlorn Ravendots

    The forlorn raven fell to Earth,
    Never ceasing to falter in previous times,
    Under a stress of massive girth,
    He fell for all the untold rhymes,
    That children wish to hear,
    In their ever present innocence,
    Forever lost in ridiculous fear,
    Of the boogieman, and such non-sense,
    From the sorrowful growth of vermin,
    The worms that bind our souls,
    The all-consuming fires of a sermon,
    Gripping the fabric of coals,
    They tore apart the forlorn raven,
    They caused him all his woes,
    He fell to Earth without a haven,
    From carcass, fungus grows,
    He now lays at rest and still,
    Forever bound by tempting man,
    Or any who wish him ill,
    He cannot fly his feathered fan,
    For they are clipped in rage,
    Of broken dreams in timely time,
    Living soft, in darkened age,
    The children cry in rhyme,
    Its the sullen sound so often heard,
    The only one around,
    The single not in ears of bird,
    That hapd to make its round,
    Reverberations take to the woods,
    From dying breaths of rat,
    The aftermath of tormenting goods,
    From the thing that tamed the cat,
    He lies in frost with winters old,
    Snow builds forts of steel,
    No more will to battle the frivolous cold,
    Not pain does him but feel,
    The forlorn raven quivers in spring,
    Heart beats seconds more,
    To acid baths and chemicals ring,
    Whose venom grips the barren shore,
    Moonlight shines shadows deep,
    On the body sitting solid prone,
    The maggots crawl, as they weep,
    For the souls that do not moan,
    As time goes by the simple scene,
    Autumn takes his toll,
    With leaves that fall of crimson sheen,
    Hiding the rotting skull,
    Where petty wars do dot the land,
    As soldiers of proclaimed mercy walk,
    Children sink in puddles of sand,
    The cryptic bird cannot talk,
    Leaving room for summer fun,
    Humanity cannot slumber,
    On they go to capture the rising sun,
    History is losing its number,
    For time is short in shrinking years,
    The forlorn raven cries,
    For if mankind must kill his peers,
    On the raven dies.

    Submitted on 2006-05-15 20:56:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nothing I could say would do this poem justice. It was a great write; I love the metaphor. It could use a little work on word choice, but what poetry couldn't?
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by Donne Rogue | [ Reply to This ]
      i love it, edgar allan poe-ish.

    the raven is oft a creature of darkness and ill fate.

    i like the writing style of rhyme but one part that i would have changed is

    humanity cannnot slumber
    on to capture the rising sun

    or maybe even rising son

    that could then have a double meaning both light and the future of men

    good stuff Dax
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by dax | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Linger written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Incubus written by monad
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]