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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Epitaph for Grandmadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Colten
    ASL Info:    19/Man?lol/U of I
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 62/99/43
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Rant/Serious
    Total Views: 1038
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1031



    Description:
       Grandma died.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEpitaph for Grandmadots
    -------------------------------------------


    I stand watching Grandma die.

    She is so old it hurts me,
    When I look at her.

    Ravaged flesh,
    And bones worn away to dust,
    Are all that my eyes can see.

    I feel sorrow,
    With the ever present hate,
    As she does not look back at me,
    Save for the gaze of Death,
    The infernal taker.


    Hating death for stealing Grandma,
    Is the single thought in mind.

    Glaring into her vacant eyes,
    Death waits in a mocking nature.

    Oh...How he is disdained!

    And for the eternity,
    Of a single, monotone second,
    All my anger is focused on him,
    With feirce intensity.

    Steaming.

    Until...

    My intellect recovers,
    As realization floods my conscience,
    That it was not death,
    Who took away Grandma.

    I understand that it was Death that killed her,
    But it was Time that stole her away.




    Submitted on 2006-05-15 21:57:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I do love your descriptive vocabulary in any of your writings. :) The changes make this much better, it made me cry in fact. Great job. Going on my faves. Last lines are the most powerful. Talk 2 u later. :/

    ~~Stephanie~~
    | Posted on 2006-05-26 00:00:00 | by literary lover | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece because the emotion behind it is very powerful; i can tell. The only problems I have with it is you use too many commas instead of any other kind of punctuation. Also, I agree with Shaman that the realization came too fast; you need more of a dramatic pause maybe, or a rising or leading up to that feeling. Add more tension I guess is what I'm trying to say.
    I really like this piece though b/c I can relate to it. My grandma died earlier this year from cancer & I've lived w/ her, my dad & my brother my entire life. Though it's a saddening & dark feeling, I'm also trying to remember her in a positive light & good memories.
    Hope I helped.
    ~~Stephanie~~
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by literary lover | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay I think this needs a little work here are my sugestions. There is fat to much usage of the word I in the same context in nearly every line it's used in ex "I stand watching grandma die,I feel sorrow,I suddenly become irate,I disdain him until,I realize that it was not death,I understand that it was death that killed her, out of 102wds you used I 10 times. It is implied in most instance and I feel it would read better if left out or reworded. From the very begining you paint the picture through your eyes with you brush so it's not really nessecary to mention it as much. Later in this piece you write "I suddenly become irate," but there is a growing anger in the piece already, so other than to add to the present rhyme scheme I don't think it fits. I also though that the sudden jump in awareness seemed to sudden like watching emotions in fast forward but maybe that's just me. Alright those are my suggestion take them or leave em. now then the things I liked
    Your use of assonance & internal rhyme
    These two things propelled me through the read and I think because of them it could be longer without the fear of losing readers. I believe the poem probably would lend itself better to perfomance than paper since the rhythm and rhyme scheme are pleasurable to listen to. alright I hope that was helpful. peace


    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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