Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Paper Withstands Anything you Write...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 870
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 750



    Description:
       Mirror... ha


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPaper Withstands Anything you Write...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The paper holds it like a treasure,
    Engraves in itself just for good measure,
    Everything you write it keeps with pleasure,
    And it still lifeless without life's pressures.

    It knows your deepest secrets,
    and to everyone who looks it tells,
    whether it is your heart about to melt,
    or is it the thing that you've always kept.

    Paper withstands anything you write on it,
    It is the best listener, whenever you need it,
    You can escape the reality with it,
    Or just keep back all the memories like a safe with a lock on it.

    And Paper will always withstand what you write on it,
    for it is just a mirror of who you are, was, and will be.




    Submitted on 2006-05-16 06:48:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In the forth line in an effort to preserve the rhyme you have written what I deem to be an akward sentence."And it still lifeless without life's pressures." Now let me say there is some cleverness to you choice of words because of the pressure causing indentation in the paper and creating words. Although people don't just write about the pressures of life I'll assume you were going for the double meaning. Anyway even with the meaning disregaued this line needs work the simplest way to do that would be to add an s to it, but I think it'd benifit from reworking the line; the it is implied and the and isn't really nessecary. In the second stanza I think that the rhyme at the end of every other line make your words akward ex, "and to everyone who looks it tells," again I don't feel the and is nessecary you could try to use internal rhyme through out the rest of the piece for variation In the first stanza I feel it's important that even if you rework the wording that you end with pressure to ensure the rhyme is preserved there; it make a good intro. Here in the second stanza I'd shake things up a bit Perhaps using " telling everyone who looks" I also think that "or is it the thing that you've always kept." The structure as is was clearly written for rhymes sake but here is a question in the midst of a statement and it just didn't fit for me.
    The third stanza is the weakest; every line ends with it, redundant and boring. in the very end
    "And Paper will always withstand what you write on it,
    for it is just a mirror of who you are, was, and will be. " there is just a simple gramatical issue you was should be were IU's pretty sure though I'm no expert on grammar. Sorry to bash this exert but I feel it has potential if I didn't i would have left without comment. Hope that this was helpful. peace



    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. It's clear and doesn't really have a hidden meaning. Haha, you're right paper does know all the secrets people choose to write on it. I especially like the last line, paper is a mirror, it makes the poem more fresh. Great job.

    Xana
    | Posted on 2006-07-02 00:00:00 | by xana | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    103423

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry