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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Realitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1919
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1178



    Description:
       It took a big step. Now it is there.
    This is something I had wished to say all along
    Thank you Eric, for helping me out


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRealitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    The time has come to take off my mask
    No longer will I hide behind
    a fake identity to fit expectations,
    rather than to suit my face.

    As I throw it in the raging fire
    I watch my 'life' slowly burn away,
    I can feel questions rise
    like the smoke of the flames,
    but the decission is made:
    My way out melts to ashes,
    you'd better get used to what is real;
    A scarred and bruised face.

    Go on and scream when seeing my eyes
    How do they look, the bloodshot lines?
    They're probably caused by a drought of tears,
    which I already cried too much.

    Please read what they say
    Don't turn away now
    For they are the centre
    where my truth lies stored,
    So give me the oppertunity
    to scream it out loud.

    No don't give me your pities!
    They're no remedy.
    All I ask is shut up and listen,
    feel my real face,
    and let me watch the disgrace
    which you seem to have for me.
    But no longer feel sorry,
    YOU'RE the ignorant one.




    Submitted on 2006-05-16 09:59:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you have made a huge step into making everything alot better. showing who you are, in personallity, AND in writting, is what will define your work and yourself and cause you to stand out above all others. Making you a truly amazing writter, and a greatly admired person, Great write, and Keep them coming, You have much potential that is yet to be tapped into.
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked that poem it is really good better than any of mine but good job and keep writing

    Amberger
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by Amberger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey jann I'm soooo proud of you!!! it's really really hard to just drop that mask but I"m glad you showed me this one cause I can really relate, I'm not to that point yet but I'm almost there I can feel it and I already shared who I really am with one person and he didn't hate me and I can't tell you how amazing that feels, although I Know there will always be some people who won't understand and who may hate me for this I really hope I can get to this point sometime, *hugs* you're a great writer and I Love the point you made hear, it was really strong and I could feel the words like someone was screaming them at me, amazing write,
    peace and love,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Strong and quite powerful. I see everything unfold in front of my eyes. What my eyes see tells me to listen and to be there for a friend. so, take off your mask and show me. I don't pity nor do I turn away. I've been there before.

    Soph~luv ya
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by Soph | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright I want to say first off that this poem has some things that man merely be language differences perhaps that's why you were seeking a reader from the netherlands. In any case I'll start with the praise and move from there. The assonance of the a carries this piece well from start to finish. I love the idea of a drought of tears and also my very favorite line
    "where my truth lies stored,". This line is brilliant simply in it's phrasing using poloar opposites and the dual meaning of lies to create irony but still fit quite well in context. So now onto the perhaps more useful portion of the critique things to work on. In the first stanza then should be than instead because two things are being compared; a minute error indeed. It's locale is here in case you want to change it "rather then to suit my face.

    "which I already cried too much." In this line 3S 4L you might consider Dropping the too much it's not needed of I would probably just drop which and change I to I've; it's more of a firm statement that way.

    "All I ask is shut up and listen,
    feel my real face,
    and let me watch the disgrace"

    In the stanza above you need a bit more or less to make the first line make more sense the message is interpretable but should be clearer,
    It would be clearer as "all I ask is that you shut up and listen" Or it could simply be a comand "shut up and listen" This way gives it an element of rage.
    I understand why you choose disgrace for the rhyme with face of course but don't be afraid to step beyond perfect rhyme distain might fit better but I gather you're seeking more of a term for severe embarressment and lowering of ones opinion, i can't think of a better way to put it at this time i only suggest that you rework this line and the one that follows so they make more sense disgrace is used a bit akward here so I'll think about it for a few and get back with you.

    okay so here it is and it's not your so I suggest you make it you own or just ignore me in any case
    "
    shut up and listen,
    feel my real face,
    Let me see the disgrace you've projected
    reflected
    But no longer feel sorry,
    YOU'RE the ignorant one.

    Anyway as always take it or leave it and once again thanks for your time.
    Peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-27 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Like I said, Janneke, the only comment I have would be to change 'melt' to 'melted', and "which I already cried too much." to "for I have already cried too much." Other than that, and the spelling mistakes that were pointed out (which everyone does now and then) I think this is a wonderful poem. It really gets right to the heart of the matter, and shows everyone what you are really feeling; like the person you show to others is not the real you. And the lines
    "feel my real face,
    and let me watch the disgrace
    which you seem to have for me.
    But no longer feel sorry,
    YOU'RE the ignorant one."
    show that you don't really care anymore whether people like the real you, because it is who you are, and you don't want to change for them anymore. They say ignorance is bliss, but you have shown a contrary view. It really is refreshing to see someone who is trying to break free of our so-called society.
    Great job, Janneke, keep on writing!
    With love,
    Your adopted sister,
    Sara
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of the most honest things I have read ... It takes much courage for any one to show there true selves and have the guts then to also scream in the face of those ignorant, that they are the one with problems.

    One other little nit pick to point out:

    "My way out melt(s) to ashes,"

    I kept changing melt to plural each time I read this so just a suggestion.

    good writing and again, congrats on the honesty and forwardness of this.

    ~Fey~

    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by Fey | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some errors in this I felt I should point out.

    As I throw it in the raging fire
    I watch my 'life' slowly burn away,
    I can feel questions rise
    like the smoke of the flames,
    but the [decission] is made:
    My way out melt to ashes,
    you'd better get used to what is real;
    A scarred and bruised face.

    The word decision is with one 's' and not two like you have. And also in this stanza

    Please read what they say
    Don't turn away now
    For they are the centre
    where my truth lies stored,
    So give me the [oppertunity]
    to scream it out loud

    Opportunity is with an 'o' and not an 'e' like you have. And also I didn't really think when you caps that YOU'RE it did anything extra to it. I know its for emphasis but thats just my opinion.

    That said I must say I agree with you wnating to show everyone the true you. Its real bad when someone as to go around putting on a facade just to make everyone else feel better or just because they are afraid to let people in and let them know the real you. I behind you 100% if you tend to reveal yourself and let everyone know

    ' Hey this is who I am and you either accept or move along'

    Keep it up my friend
    Take care
    Later

    Your friend Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this! You have really outdone yourself here. It was as if you had this rage creeping out with every word. I also felt the need to be seen as your are and not as someone who is ruined without a mask. Being real and keeping it real. Way to go Janneke!

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Finally! The Truth! *claps excitedly*
    That's not to see I find pleasure in you're pain, no, not one bit; however, it is good that you are finally being honest with us, and mor importantly, yourself. These kinds of feelings need to be expressed and released, otherwise they'll eat you alive from within.

    Now.. on to the critique!

    "As I throw it in the raging fire
    I watch my 'life' slowly burn away,
    I can feel questions rise
    like the smoke of the flames,
    but the decission is made:
    My way out melt to ashes,
    you'd better get used to what is real;
    A scarred and bruised face."

    Very vivid picture you've painted here, questions, rising like smoke from the flame. I really like that analogy. Also, the silent warning.


    "Go on and scream when seeing my eyes
    How do they look, the bloodshot lines?
    They're probably caused by a drought of tears,
    which I already cried too much."

    This stanza right here gets the coveted "Vampirism's favorite"
    I think we can all relate to this, crying so much your eyes have become bloodshot and burn from the taste of your own salty tears.


    "No don't give me your pities!
    They're no remedy.
    All I ask is shut up and listen,
    feel my real face,
    and let me watch the disgrace
    which you seem to have for me.
    But no longer feel sorry,
    YOU'RE the ignorant one"

    You are absolutely correct. Anyone who can't or won't take the time to understand, rather than placing unwanted pity is ignorant. I have to disagree on one point, exposing yourself for what you REALLY are isn't a disgrace, and if someone thinks so, [censored] THEM. They don't deserve to know you. I have a strong sense that this particular stanza was directed at family, in which case, if they are feeling like you are a disgrace for you being who you are and feeling what you feel, forget them. The people who care about you most are your 'true' family; regardless of blood or who bore you.

    Very good write Janneke
    I am very impressed with you at this moment.
    It took alot of balls to write and post this.

    Much love and many hugs,
    Eric
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
      im alittle new at this but i believe that is very good i think expresses alot but good
    | Posted on 2006-07-07 00:00:00 | by jam72 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice poem. It's one a lot of folks can relate to. I know I can relate. And thats a good thing.
    The last stanza has some strong messages. I really like this part.

    All I ask is shut up and listen,
    feel my real face,
    and let me watch the disgrace
    which you seem to have for me.

    The disgrace when someone finally sees you for who you is a really depressing to feel. I've felt it on more then one occasion. I like how you did this poem. It has a nice and furious sound to it.
    Good Job.
    | Posted on 2006-07-19 00:00:00 | by Casualty | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm proud of you, dear. It takes a lot of courage to take off the mask and let people see inside....the true you. My heart goes out to you, little sister. If there's ever anything I can do to help you...or if you need someone (of similar age and gender) to listen to you...I'm here. Stay strong, we love you!

    ~Doh
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a GREAT write. i only wish i could "throw my mask in the fire" but at this point i dont even think i know whats hidden beneath it...its sad to feel you dont even know yourself keep up the good writes though i loved it!!
    | Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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