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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Such a Significant Symbol 120/119dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wallya20
    ASL Info:    18/m/Bahamas
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 113/68/26
    Words: 253
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1142
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1421



    Description:
       It shows how fast something can be lost and how somethin so small can mean so much if only for one second


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuch a Significant Symbol 120/119dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A light that peers through a crack in the chateau beams down
    And disperses like raindrops …
    Subtle splashes of warmness hit my face…
    That would be brushed aside by any other
    But after feeling so cold for so long this is my paramount,
    I sit and think, trying to remember how long it was,
    Since I’ve felt this settled.
    I look up trying to stop that tear from falling in its own display of grief…
    Surely its for that sudden rush of joy from that warmth ….
    I’m sorry but this tear isn’t for you
    Only to show you grimace because about 2 minutes ago,
    Warmness use to fill this poor excuse of a heart,
    Don’t mind its withered state, I can rewind 120 seconds of my life
    And you’ll realize I do recognize happiness
    But if I rewind 119 you would have never known
    That light is dimming
    120 seconds ago you were still here
    I was still staring at that single tear upon your cheek
    The one that fell from my eye
    I still felt you
    119 seconds ago my lips were upon yours
    But the difference is you weren’t with me anymore
    Everything left as you died within my arms
    Coldness covers me and there is no way I can escape
    Maybe this light peering through a crack in the chateau is a sign
    I can feel again
    But just like you that light has gone




    Submitted on 2006-05-16 14:52:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this was sad but beauifully written, as you have told me, you also have a great imaginary and a talent to pull the reader into your world.

    I could see these things, and at the end I could see the 119 seconds and then 120, it was very touching.
    You really let your soul spill onto the paper, but very elegantly. There were a few rough spots, but nothing that was soon mended by the next line.

    This piece captures the pain of love, you somehow put all the sadness into one piece, these lines. Made me remember, then, I remember how wonderful it was to find the person that makes everything better...
    in the end, it is worth it... everything.

    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-05-26 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sheesh, the imagery here is rather sensational. I read your journal entry, so I know what this is about, and I must say you have pictured it in what could only be described as a pure poetic way. There are, however, a few things I'd like to pick at, so although you requested thoughts, I'll give you some nitpicking:

    Line four, I believe you meant "an" instead of "any". Line eight, "it's" should include an apostrophe (this is repeated in lines ten and fourteen). Line twelve doesn't seem to make sense; perhaps it would better fit to replace "show" with "make"?

    That aside, I'll admit my favourite lines were
    "I was still staring at that single tear upon your cheek
    The one that fell from my eye"
    . I have a personal love for contrast in poetry (as you may have observed via my piece "A Letter to my Dearest Love") and this poem consisted of a lot of it. I'm sorry for your loss, but you will find that you were right: the light is a sign that you can feel again, and it is gone only temporarily, for tommorow it will shine again.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I would have been a little lost if I hadn't read your journal but it makes alot of sense.....I agree with Lucy this was pretty unique and the emotion you put into it was really intense, the imagry too wow....this probably hits home for a lot of people, the difference one second can make. Sorry about what happened, but it's really impressive that you can write such an emotional write and still make it sound good. I loved everything about it and I see no changes needed, keep up the writing, you're really good @ it.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really cool
    like rainbowXrazors said, very unique and interesting .. its very sad, but SO powerful ... and the difference of one second .... the way you showed that in your poem .. just amazing ... the title is perfect for the poem ..
    i liked the imagery you used, subtle yet once again, powerful, just like the whole poem ...

    "A light that peers through a crack in the chateau beams down
    And disperses like raindrops …
    Subtle splashes of warmness hit my face…
    That would be brushed aside by any other
    But after feeling so cold for so long this is my paramount,"

    i really like this portion ... i dunno why, but i just did ...

    anyways very well written!
    take care, cheers,
    Deeps
    | Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by DeepsLighter | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm..I really liked this write, it was really unique and interesting..The title is awsome, I read it before, but wasn't sure how to comment it, it was weird, it left me speechless for some reason.

    "119 seconds ago my lips were upon yours
    But the difference is you weren’t with me anymore."

    I liked these lines the best, because it just seemed unreal, and like everything was disappearing and dying with the light. The ending was great too, shows that the darkness isn't always a welcoming great place. It just shows that people leave, and then a glimpse of hope and its all gone...everything just..gone..
    Kinda sad when you really think about it, happens all the times too, I'm sorry that this has happened to you, I only wish the best. There is nothing you should fix here, loved it completely..perfect..Keep up the great work!!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]


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