Description: This I thought was pretty easy to grasp. I think the lfow is iffy...I could be wrong. I thought of this while fixing lunch for my bf. It just came to me. I'm open to suggestions from all. Enjoy.
you are so awsome with the imagry. i wish it just came to me like it seems to with you. this was a great write flows well and as i have said before excelent with visual effects. LOL
this is another great one. another fave list add. i got this entire thing but it confused me why these dreams were supposed to be conceived in ur mouth. is it something that u didn't say. i would thing of dreams bring conceived in the mind if not the heart. other than that this is perfection.
First off, let me say that it's great to be the first to comment on yet another of your lovely poems.
However, I agree that the flow was a bit off, I'll give suggestions where I can. For starters, try 'an "us"' rather than 'a "us"', because it sounds like you're stuttering when you read it(you refering to me). However, beyond that, I'll just rewrite it the way I would have done, so please don't take offense, because It will probably not help you much, but I don't want to give you commands, so consider it my phrasing of your piece, and do with it what you will, since it's still your piece.
Aborted are these dreams for an us that failed to mature within the womb of my mouth never to be born to some form of reality.
Erradicated from the thick walls of safety; prematurely exposed are my feelings*
Infertile is your barren heart if you cannot accept these seeds. I wish to sow within you a garden of love tended only by us.
*(it's already known that you're talking to this person)
and of course, as you should know by now, feel free to use any parts of this, disregard any parts, or berate me for desecrating your work should you so choose. Salaam, friend.
Submission Name: Ineffectual
