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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ineffectualdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia Steele
    ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492/1825/232
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1072
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584



    Description:
       This I thought was pretty easy to grasp. I think the lfow is iffy...I could be wrong. I thought of this while fixing lunch for my bf. It just came to me. I'm open to suggestions from all. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIneffectualdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Aborted
    are these dreams
    of mine for an "us" that
    failed to mature
    within the
    womb of my mouth
    and give birth
    to some form of reality


    Erradicated
    from the thick
    walls of safety and
    prematurely
    exposed
    to this world
    are my feelings for you.

    Infertile
    is your barren heart
    if you cannot
    accept these seeds
    I wish to sow
    with you in a
    garden of love that
    would be created by only us.




    Submitted on 2006-05-16 16:03:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      you are so awsome with the imagry. i wish it just came to me like it seems to with you. this was a great write flows well and as i have said before excelent with visual effects. LOL
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      this is another great one. another fave list add. i got this entire thing but it confused me why these dreams were supposed to be conceived in ur mouth. is it something that u didn't say. i would thing of dreams bring conceived in the mind if not the heart. other than that this is perfection.
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      DAMN GIRL!
    Heavy sh!t!
    Dont change a darn thing and with a write like this...flow matters not, ya know? Well, except can not should be spelled cannot.

    Very good stuff Magwheel.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, let me say that it's great to be the first to comment on yet another of your lovely poems.

    However, I agree that the flow was a bit off, I'll give suggestions where I can. For starters, try 'an "us"' rather than 'a "us"', because it sounds like you're stuttering when you read it(you refering to me). However, beyond that, I'll just rewrite it the way I would have done, so please don't take offense, because It will probably not help you much, but I don't want to give you commands, so consider it my phrasing of your piece, and do with it what you will, since it's still your piece.

    Aborted
    are these dreams
    for an us that
    failed to mature
    within the womb of my mouth
    never to be born
    to some form
    of reality.

    Erradicated
    from the thick
    walls of safety;
    prematurely
    exposed
    are my feelings*

    Infertile
    is your barren heart
    if you cannot
    accept these seeds.
    I wish to sow
    within you
    a garden of love
    tended only by us.

    *(it's already known that you're talking to this person)

    and of course, as you should know by now, feel free to use any parts of this, disregard any parts, or berate me for desecrating your work should you so choose. Salaam, friend.
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      A great job from you. The style of speech in this was an interesting way to express your for some one. This was another good one, my friend
    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Really enjoyed this Maggie, especially this stanza

    Aborted
    are these dreams
    of mine for an "us" that
    failed to mature
    within the
    womb of my mouth
    and give birth
    to some form of reality

    That image of the womb in the mouth is probably one of the most interesting thing I have ever read in a poem in a good while.

    Its pretty good presently and I don't think there is anything I would change. Keep it up Maggie.

    Take care
    Later

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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