This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Ineffectual


Author: Magnolia Steele
ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492 /1825 /232
Words: 93
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1799
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 584



Description:


This I thought was pretty easy to grasp. I think the lfow is iffy...I could be wrong. I thought of this while fixing lunch for my bf. It just came to me. I'm open to suggestions from all. Enjoy.


Ineffectual



Aborted
are these dreams
of mine for an "us" that
failed to mature
within the
womb of my mouth
and give birth
to some form of reality


Erradicated
from the thick
walls of safety and
prematurely
exposed
to this world
are my feelings for you.

Infertile
is your barren heart
if you cannot
accept these seeds
I wish to sow
with you in a
garden of love that
would be created by only us.




Submitted on 2006-05-16 16:03:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  you are so awsome with the imagry. i wish it just came to me like it seems to with you. this was a great write flows well and as i have said before excelent with visual effects. LOL
| Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
  this is another great one. another fave list add. i got this entire thing but it confused me why these dreams were supposed to be conceived in ur mouth. is it something that u didn't say. i would thing of dreams bring conceived in the mind if not the heart. other than that this is perfection.
| Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  DAMN GIRL!
Heavy sh!t!
Dont change a darn thing and with a write like this...flow matters not, ya know? Well, except can not should be spelled cannot.

Very good stuff Magwheel.
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  First off, let me say that it's great to be the first to comment on yet another of your lovely poems.

However, I agree that the flow was a bit off, I'll give suggestions where I can. For starters, try 'an "us"' rather than 'a "us"', because it sounds like you're stuttering when you read it(you refering to me). However, beyond that, I'll just rewrite it the way I would have done, so please don't take offense, because It will probably not help you much, but I don't want to give you commands, so consider it my phrasing of your piece, and do with it what you will, since it's still your piece.

Aborted
are these dreams
for an us that
failed to mature
within the womb of my mouth
never to be born
to some form
of reality.

Erradicated
from the thick
walls of safety;
prematurely
exposed
are my feelings*

Infertile
is your barren heart
if you cannot
accept these seeds.
I wish to sow
within you
a garden of love
tended only by us.

*(it's already known that you're talking to this person)

and of course, as you should know by now, feel free to use any parts of this, disregard any parts, or berate me for desecrating your work should you so choose. Salaam, friend.
| Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
  A great job from you. The style of speech in this was an interesting way to express your for some one. This was another good one, my friend
Abbas
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  Really enjoyed this Maggie, especially this stanza

Aborted
are these dreams
of mine for an "us" that
failed to mature
within the
womb of my mouth
and give birth
to some form of reality

That image of the womb in the mouth is probably one of the most interesting thing I have ever read in a poem in a good while.

Its pretty good presently and I don't think there is anything I would change. Keep it up Maggie.

Take care
Later

Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



103530