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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oh, Fair Memory...My Beautydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Colten
    ASL Info:    19/Man?lol/U of I
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 62/99/43
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 931
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1430



    Description:
       I often wondered if death cared about taking life.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOh, Fair Memory...My Beautydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I spy the loveliest of fair beauty,
    Springing from a tree.
    She is the grand art of subtle life,
    That exists in all the world.
    Each branch grows with perfect symmetry,
    Matching the sister branches.
    The bark is neither too grey nor too peppery,
    But a perfect mixture, so right,
    All the crevases and lines, of her bark, flow Smoothly,
    Creating her delicate skin.
    She is yet young, still growing up high,
    Trying to reach up into the atmoshere,
    And, bees hover around her flowers, so Lavender,
    Collecting their much needed pollen,
    As sunlight filters from the clouds.
    Her petals radiate hope,
    At the end of each twig, sit pastel green sparks,
    Of her emerging leaves.
    Her overall beauty so enthralls me,
    That I desire to touch her essence.
    Yet, as I reach out to caress her perfect,
    Contour,
    She withers away to die.
    The hopes and dreams that she procures,
    Become as nightmares.
    As my spindly fingers connect to her skin,
    She transforms into the dust of the world,
    Like simple clockwork, in the cruelest of times,
    She vanishes away from this world.
    At that moment, of my most agonizing, Sorrows,
    I remember who I am.

    Yet, and despite my very being, sadness is, Felt,
    As I recall, that I am death.




    Submitted on 2006-05-16 16:26:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Colten, this is beautiful. I love the idea and how great you make it work. I too have thought about whether death feels bad for destroying life and you have so tastefully answered my question with your own view. (Not to nit pick but Lavender is not spelled with an ar at the end)
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by jennah | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with that of literary lover (below me), I really like the idea of death feeling bad for taking lives. But if you put it to a Christain perspective: death does not take lives, but God chooses to bring his children home at specified times (which is so much more optimistic and bright, rather than downtrodden and dark).

    However, when I am reading a poem, spelliiing errors distract me from the flow of the poem.(see what I mean by the mispelling of spelling?) So you should go back and correct the misspellings of loveliest and withers.

    You also seem to insert many commas with very few (to only one at the end) periods. I encourage you to really look at your poem and read it with the punctuation in mind. Is that how you want it to sound? If so, fine, if not fix it-there is always room for revision (well I take that back, almost always).

    I think with a little revision this poem can be an amazing work, definetly keep writing!
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some spelling errors, but that's something minor. Other than that I LOVE this! The idea is so original of whether death cares or feels sad that he (or she) takes life. In a way, when "death" reached out & the life transformed almost immediately into dust, I was reminded of King Midas & the Golden touch (with the exception of course that this poem has the touch of death). The description is lovely, and like I said the idea is fresh. ' am adding to my faves. :)

    ~~~Stephanie~~~
    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by literary lover | [ Reply to This ]
      And you thought that Carrie and I were the only ones that were "obessessed" with death? Any way, it was good. More form would be better, but other then that it was fine. A few words were awkward, but that's just becuase I'm not used to hearing them in poetry. Other then that, it was really good.

    Cheers,
    ~Sephe~
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Persephone | [ Reply to This ]


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